i wish i knew what to say that could just make a difference in your day: an enigma wrapped in a mystery and covered with secret sauce

the following entries are excerpts (part one: 12/11/12-2/3/13) from my page:

candle burning at both ends (every day i write the book)

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this is me pretty much every night

but with round-the-clock painkillers and spending most of my days nearly comatose in bed

it's especially fitting now

2 février 2013

there has been so much happening... i just haven't been writing about it. i hope my diary still remembers me... i felt sad that i didn't even make time to write in my journal before my surgery last monday; it would have sucked to die - no matter what - but it would have been even sadder, for me, if i hadn't even told my diary how scared i was, or all the people i love how specifically much i love them. i did sort of make a cryptic shout out to the world, the night before, on facebook - but i held back because of my paranoia about certain people who potentially might read my post (my page is public) and who might choose to suck a lot - for whatever reason - and unkindly not wish me well - thus being why i was so cryptic... i know this probably sounds silly - but it made sense to me! - i didn't want to risk some jerk, happening to read my post, deciding to hope that i might die during surgery - or whatever mean thing they might wish to happen to me... i was worried enough about surviving surgery without introducing that possibility! of course i doubted that this would happen - and i doubt even more that any bad wish would be granted to anyone - but once the mere thought of this had occurred to me - i decided not to take any chances... as for the alternative to making a public announcement - i simply didn't feel physically or emotionally up to personally contacting everyone who does care, or might care, about me... it was also very important that i got a full night's sleep; ultimately more important than over-thinking what i wanted to say...

(o: so before i went to sleep - sunday night, the night before the morning of my surgery - i decided to express my gratitude for my family, friends and blessings - in a sort of "open letter to god" - and i did feel a lot better and stronger for having done that! i instantly felt as if everything had improved; it really helps - it helps me! - knowing that i have "put it out there"... yay yay yay! i'm still here! i am extra grateful for my beautiful, wonderful life :o)

[i hopefully will, however, write in my journal soon... regardless of when i next reconnect with my diary - i seriously need to get over this quirk i seem to have developed... about wanting things to be "happy" when i write in my journal... if i always had this arbitrary standard; i'd not have filled so many volumes! but every so often i get fixated on this idea... it's not in the task of writing about what sucks itself - it's fine if i say things have sucked and this is why; but yay for now - it's more about the process of things sucking - if they suck now and there is no end in sight and therefore i can't end on a sincerely happy note (i could fake it but the whole point of a diary, for me, is being totally honest and uncensored!) - i like to wait i guess - maybe it's so the last thing i've written isn't me being miserable - with no hope in sight... but i think it's more like when things suck i don't want to dwell on it while it's happening - it's important for me to eventually "make a report" so everything is accounted for - also, so i do keep it real... but to leave it that way - it doesn't feel right - i guess... also because i get so busy sometimes - i'd hate for the last thing i wrote to be sadness when maybe the last thing i actually felt was incredible happiness? i'd rather leave an incomplete diary behind on a truthfully happy note and not have made time to say the sad stuff, than to leave it on a sad note when i really was feeling happy before i died... but even worse - what if i do die sad - what if yay never comes again, or doesn't come in time - yay that i last wrote when i was happy???

i like to think that one thing will always hold true - that the happiness in my life will always outweigh the sadness - and that's mostly up to me; up to my attitude... because i alone have the power to decide for my life - that even just one single moment of bliss has made it all worth it. (o: i know that i have given the gift of life! that surely makes it worth it - no matter what - i did that! also, i've helped animals! and i made a very awesome movie! i've drawn many special pictures... ideally i will soon be able to add - "and i wrote a very wonderful book!"... i think it's safe to predict that my life will have totally been worth it; it already is :o) ...i am lucky that there have actually been many blissful moments in my life - not just the one - but one is still something great! you know what i mean, right? ...i totally feel very fortunate for my life - and for me: the happinesses definitely outweigh the sadnesses - even when i am sad i try to focus on that... nevertheless; note to self: write in your diary very soon kristin! ...i certainly have enough free time for making this happen right now...]

...christopher robin; he is my very best friend and i can tell him anything - but i needed to tell him about my accident, and though at first i thought it was only a possibility that i might need surgery, i told him about that too... i told him everything right away - but we spoke sunday night also. he's a super good luck charm for me...

...and my dad knew - i have been visiting him; it has been during this visit that (11 days ago) i experienced an accidental, but pretty traumatic, hard fall. this fall caused a bone (the radius) - in my left arm to break - which also, basically, shattered my left wrist...

...my dad actually knew about my need for surgery before i did - he was with me in ER when the doctor who first attended to me, told him i most likely needed surgery. i was mostly unconscious - but i overheard some of their conversation: i thought they meant - maybe someday - not as soon as possible... it wasn't a particularly scary surgery i was facing, comparatively speaking - but it obviously involved being sliced open with a knife, and there are all sorts of things which can possibly go wrong... obviously, the worst case scenario being death...

...many years ago, a friend of mine - her mother died from some sort of mistake with her anesthesia during a "routine" surgery... her story has stayed with me; haunted me; and has been a true fear of mine - ever since she told me about that tragedy... plus, it's not the only sadly true story like that...

i've been lucky to have never needed surgery before. i could have refused to have this surgery - as it was more of a strong recommendation - and not a life-saving kind of surgery. i didn't know if this recommended surgery counted as voluntary surgery or not - and here i had promised myself, long ago, that i'd never choose to have voluntary surgery - why take such a risk! although i had been mostly speculating about more stupid risks like say - a purely cosmetic surgery - my self-promise had been broader in scope and essentially included any non-lifesaving surgery... this was basically reparative surgery - on my left wrist - so i could keep using my hand! which seemed really important (use of both my hands might also help me to save the life of someone else someday... non-use of my hand might prevent me from saving someone...) and well - it is important - given a choice - it's the logical conclusion... yet, i was worried about this former self-promise somehow jinxing me... i definitely felt pressured by my dad (to agree to the surgery) - but it was ultimately my choice to make... i met my surgeon (3 days after the accident) and in the very first instant i felt like i sincerely trusted him; i liked him right away... i felt a lot calmer about my decision and i decided to just be very brave and to have total faith that i would be fine. as far as we know at this time: the surgery was totally successful. time will tell - but - yay i am still alive! i still have much healing to do - and the post-surgery bandages haven't been removed yet - i will likely need a cast (i've had a splint and have been wrapped up since i left the emergency room on january 22... and both were replaced immediately following my surgery) - otherwise i will continue with the splint/wrap. my first post-op is next friday... i don't yet know for how long i will need to immobilize my arm, for at least another month, possibly longer...

of course i think that it sucks that i fell and that i was injured...

[i don't want to talk about the details - i really don't! - at least not yet - but i will say that my fall was actually entirely caused by someone else - by a total stranger - it was not on purpose; this guy was just being very careless... he appeared to feel pretty bad about my getting hurt, he helped me stand up... i sensed that he was freaked out about being responsible; i didn't get mad at him! i just stated that i needed help, quickly... some bystanders helped me get immediate medical attention. the fire truck arrived first; all the paramedics were nice to me - i was taken to the hospital in an ambulance... my dad arrived just before the ambulance departed, he followed us in his truck - he stayed in the room with me for all the times he was allowed to, he waited for me in the lobby when he wasn't allowed to remain in the room...]

...it really sucks! but this is my take on it (me being all pollyanna again; it's a gift!) - my arm (literally) broke my fall - yes, it paid a painful price, but it saved my head! if i had landed on my head on that concrete with that same impact... i don't even want to think about it... it's how much worse it could have been which scares me the most...

...i always know this; but it's easy to blow it off - every day - i pretty much forget to remember: every day is potentially the only day we have left! this was a totally freak accident - and only by not being where i was when i was at the same time this guy was - could i have prevented this - but there is no way i could have known that before it was too late....

i didn't even have a single bad feeling in my bones that day (no pun intended; but i like puns!) - i felt great! i had JUST seen the most incredibly awesome sunset - sincerely; i saw a sky like i have never seen before - it was so spectacular; the clouds and the light had this virtual yin yang thing going on - i was really wishing i had my camera with me - but except for that: it was a truly perfect day up until that moment of the great fall which injured me.

...even as i felt my bone break - after i thought "oh fuck oh shit oh no..." - i thought: yay that it's not my right arm! not because i love my left arm any less (although i now acknowledge how little credit i've been giving my left arm up until now for all it has been doing for me while it could - it definitely truly deserves a lot more credit - and i am going to try and make this up to it as much as i possibly can - the first step was recognizing its need for surgical repair and not taking any chances by letting it heal all by itself when there is more i could do to ensure its full recovery...) but because i absolutely comprehended my extensive reliance on my right arm...

...i was in enough shock not to yet feel the excruciating pain (which was obviously imminent) - but i also was intellectually functioning so fully (well more than i would have expected) - that i blew even myself away with how calm and courageous and pragmatic i was...

i can be - a real cry-baby - or at least i know that i used to be especially prone to that! - something has either truly changed in me, or maybe when it's most needed i just somehow rise above it... i really outshone my former fragile-like self during this crisis. i am super proud of me!

i think all of what i said just now is quite valid; yet i digressed!

i started - somewhere in there - to say: what a wake-up call for me (this accident has been) - to realize what i am too often complacent about:

every day - even bad days - are a gift of LIFE - and even very good days are not guaranteed tomorrows...

i hope i will never forget this nor become so complacent ever again: that for every day that i wake up - to be truly grateful for that alone - for waking up! for another gifted day of life - and whether i get up and/or go out - and accomplish just one thing or many things - or stay snuggled under the blankets, wear my pajamas all day - whether i draw, write or make music or listen to music or read - or learn or teach - whatever i do with that day - to cherish it for the tremendous gift of life that each day is - even if i feel sad - even if someone else bums me out or makes me cry - even if i fall or break my arm: to be alive!

what is the meaning of life? to live it!

so yay: yay for this lesson. yay for this self-pep talk (i hope it may help others, too). yay for being alive!

...thank you universe! thank you angels! thank you god! thank you doctors and nurses and thank you super-friendly hospital and to all the friendly staff there. and - omg! - thank you so so so much oregon health plan! i have always been grateful to you - always pleased i rarely need you but so grateful you are there for me - it's so lucky i have you now - so very lucky - you are the reason all this great medical care is and has been available to me - i do not take you for granted - i am so fortunate for you - thank you ever so much! thank you thank you thank you thank you... super lucky i am for having you - wow - such a blessing you are. i love you!

... and thank you so much dearest poppa (not for when you aren't always as nice as i wish you would be, even if you maybe don't mean not to always be as nice as you could be*, but...) for taking such very good care of me. you have really come through for me these past couple of weeks and i truly appreciate it. i've missed this side of you - maybe this is one of those unexpected blessings from an otherwise disaster - feeling loved by and feeling important to: my father.

[* you know me; i like to keep it real - i need to be totally honest about our relationship in order to truly express my very sincere gratitude for my father stepping up and taking care of me now, when i need my father so much - voila!]

peace,

*kimberly kristin*

february 16 update - check it: i even have visuals!

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19 janvier 2013

(2/28/13: i removed most of this post; fyi...)

(o: i have been saving this for more than a year: for an extra-lucky day :o)

it was given to me by my very favorite librarian, kiira

she made it for the library's featured selections shelf: get into "moo-vies"

"i love this!" i told her...she said "it's yours!"

(o: and now you get to love it too :o)

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i wrote tim a message at his facebook page:

dear tim

i like your picture: yay.

i hope and pray every day that you will tell me you are sorry for everything that you put me through. i am still very hurt by it all and i also still really care about you and wish we could have both stayed friends forever. just because i figured everything out a long time ago, does not mean i completely understand how you could pretend to be my friend if you were pretending to other people that you were not. but worse than anything was being blamed not just for things that i did not do - by both you and that very mean girl - but because they are things that i would never do. i have been through a lot sticking up to you and standing up for myself - but i had to do that and i would do it again. i just hope that someday we can somehow have real closure with a peaceful outcome and ideally somehow be friends someday again - but i will always think of you as my friend no matter what you say or don't say.

if you feel in any way harassed by me - i can see why you might feel that way but i would want to remind you that anything i have done to make you feel that way has been in the context of not backing down from wanting fairness and justice - and i am NOT giving up until you make things right.

...and it will need to be sincere - but i will remove all the things on the internet (those which i am able to) and whatever else i guess, within reason - but you need to be nice and make peace with me; otherwise i feel like i really need to keep it all up - in protest...

...maybe i suck for that in your mind - but YOU SUCK too; for all that you have said and done...

can we please make amends and find a way to restore our kindness to one another?

...i like to think that you have previously seen this - but in case you haven't here is the link: http://kristinangelique.blogspot.com/p/i-made-this-page-for-timothy-ryan-shipp.html ...it's a roller-coaster ride - just like my emotions have been - but it has helped me a lot to get rid of my anger, and to be as much at peace as i can - because you really hurt me - and because i cared about you so much and i still do; it hurts extra much.

i won't continue writing you at facebook (or the others ways which i know i could probably reach you) - not without your permission - and i promise that - but i have decided today that i could not wait any more, not when it is this easy - and maybe just maybe you will not freak out and you can forgive me.

[i forgot to add this caveat - which is that: if you don't reply, then unfortunately my "promise" becomes invalid - until we reach a peaceful conclusion, i do not intend to give up on trying to reach one... it won't be until we arrive at that milestone - that i can say "the end" - but when we do make it to that finishing line; you'll have my promise and i will honor it...]

i am not a stalker - no matter how tragically (and diabolically!) you set me up to look like one: i believed with all my heart that our friendship was real - and whether i was being foolish or not - that first thursday in february; when you hugged me like you did - and so many other times! - but especially then - i thought that we might could have been more; if only it weren't so seemingly impossible. you must remember some of the things you told me and wrote to me that could have led me to believe that we shared something special even if it was impossible for it to be more than feelings (impossible from both of our perspectives)...

can you please try to remember that i was always very nice to you and that i really trusted you - and somehow understand - why i need so much for you to help me feel better?

...i have "moved on" - in theory - but not a day goes by without a smile and then a tear of mine that has your name on it...

i have always tried to be very kind to people - and it is killing me - to have something that was so cherished; end so terribly - and then to never speak to or hear from you again! if you can find it in your heart to forgive me and to hopefully trust me to not ask for any more than this: please won't you write me back and be nice to me, just once more?

i am sorry for all the bad stuff that happened, tim. i never in a million years saw this coming before it came - and i never have been through anything like this before - and i had never fallen in love like i did before - and i never had anyone tell so many lies about me - and i think i was justified in reacting upset! but i regret so much of what happened and i really am sorry.

do you remember when i said that i bet boston would be really cool? i hope it is. i also still hope that all your nicest dreams come true...

peace, kristin

(o: and of course i forgot to proofread this first :o)

also: a very big yay for you being a published journalist. i am super happy for you tim; i think it is wonderful.

*k*

[see: i did my best to keep it real and to continue to speak the truth - but i earnestly tried to be very nice - i sincerely tried to make peace... i tried to remind tim that the only thing dragging this out is his own refusal to do what is right... say or think what you will about how i am handling this situation - but there would no longer be a situation if tim (and the others) would take responsibility for that which they are responsible for... it never would have gotten to where it is now had they done the right thing long ago - and it could be ended at anytime if they would just step up and do the right thing now. tim is only responsible for his part: fix it tim - and i let it go with you; new seasons market: ditto! i may demand this - i assert that i have this right - but that's all i am demanding. it's not like i attached additional demands like give me a million dollars to compensate me for my pain and suffering... all i have demanded is: tell the fucking truth! apologize and be sincere about it! ...i think i am being extraordinarily fair... i was framed, set up and FALSELY ARRESTED - which is totally unacceptable under any circumstances; but because i had done nothing unkind and nothing wrong - it makes me even angrier - yet i have not even bent a little at the knees, let alone stooped as low: as their collective unethical behaviors! so while i do think that i deserve way more than what it is that i am seeking - this is all i am expecting to happen; this is all i am demanding. i am super nice!]

* * *

i have just seen this video today... and it is the GREATEST VIDEO - THE GREATEST FILMED THING - that i have ever seen.

so that is why - TODAY - is such a lucky day too. at this time, i only know how to view it on facebook - it is posted at a facebook page which somebody made (it is not my friend's page, they just shared it with me and i decided to go to the page it originated at) - it is a public page, a public post - and so you don't have to be a facebook member to see it (generally speaking it still displays) - yet so many people are on facebook (even tim!)... it is well worth posting here.

so please - IF YOU READ THIS sentence which i am writing - PLEASE WATCH THIS!

...and then do something positive to help save the world...

it's an animated video and it is GENIUS...

the only credit listed is: www.stevecutts.com

i am going to check out his site later; i am super excited to see that there is more to see!

but this is the best thing ever; right here:

* * * THIS IS BRILLIANT * * *

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=4140355102606&set=vb.218550298237039&type=2&theater

...i set this link (plus the one above) to open in a "new window" - so it ought to do that...

PEACE EVERYBODY! even to you, tim...

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18 janvier 2013

yay. i somehow knew something was about to happen, and then it did.

...thank you for being something so wonderful...

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springwater trail, east gresham, autumn 2009

(o: i took this picture :o)

...if you click this link - it goes to my page with lots of other location shots and landscapes - it should open in a new window...

(o: i just got these pictures back from the photo-shop; this film roll was unlabeled - and i just grabbed a few rolls like that - not knowing which pictures they would be - and yay! - i have been hoping for these to turn up; my defiance ohio (jan 2011) concert pictures were also among the surprises. i try to remember to label things before they get mixed-up in this way, but sometimes i fail; as much as that might suck in the present: it's fun to be surprised in the future :o)

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7 janvier 2013

...with all my heart...

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i took these pictures on december 29 2012
(but i just published them today: 1/11/13)

roseburg skateboard park, roseburg oregon

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december 25 2012

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december 24 2012

. . . my heart is super grateful even if it still hurts at moments . . .

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hello? is there anybody out here? hey you; yes you.

. . . i published more of my art today;

these are two of my favorites, but also, these two are more than that to me now . . .

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the key of dreams

magritte

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today is my 7th day of pet-sitting - just me and two dogs - in a farmhouse on two acres of open space in southern oregon, in a beautiful valley...

. . . this is the back yard . . .

just us 3 - and except for four phone calls - i've had no other human contact during all of this - and yay for that

(i need more of less of that)...

...i could have done almost anything i wanted to do during this time: i knew i would probably choose something creative - yet as much as i love to draw (and i have been on such a roll: woot!) and as much as i need to write (i always will have this need) - even when it comes to creativity - (though i am always up for creative spontaneity and spontaneous creativity) - i tend to be pragmatic still, i usually find it necessary in fact - and thus i first asked myself, before even arriving here: which projects will be best-served by this particular opportunity and is this something i will also enjoy doing? (because i need all the joy i can muster and this is, for all intents and purposes, a "vacation" from everything but joy) - etc - and pretty quickly, i chose to accomplish as many fanzine projects as possible - those which have been long on hold while awaiting an opportunity such as this one - and so on - so having said all of that: my fanzine - which is super special to me - has been the biggest part of each of these of my last 7 days - yay yay yay.

...my accomplishments already have exceeded my expectations - and i have had a really good night's sleep every night too! (i didn't want to sacrifice an even greater rarity - which is the chance to get - not just one - which is also rare - but EIGHT of these in a row: such solitude surrounds me here!) - and i am super happy to be writing this with the intention of still having ahead of me, two more peaceful nights to myself - and three more days - to be creative and to thrive and to blossom...

(i'll hopefully carry this newfound glorious enlightenment with me for always but alas obligatory human contact commences in about 55 hours)

...oh universe! i am so very thankful for this opportunity! i am cherishing every blissful second of this serenity with all of my heart and soul. thank you for everything wonderful which you bless me with...

[though exactly how i got here has been so incredibly profound; i am still seriously speechless in this regard]

gratefully, kimberly kristin

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december 19 2012

today is a special day for me

today is a day without needing to put things into words

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. . . today is possibly the saddest day i have ever known . . .

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KILL YOUR GUNS! NO MORE GUNS!

STOP GUN VIOLENCE NOW! END IT!

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i will never forget this day

september 14 2012

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(o: i love this drawing! happy hanukkah to everyone who wants to be wished so :o)

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...so i am super smart but it amazes me how long it can take me to trial and error at stuff before i can shout eureka or see a cartoon light-bulb appear...

especially since i rely so much on the library for many of my computer projects - it hella sucks when i go to make a new post and the blog design default system makes changes to my page layout - either because it's a new month or whatever - and subsequently no longer automatically displays my previously displayed posts - and that wouldn't be that much of an issue - (it still would irk me but other than that...) - except that then the margin layout - particularly the column at the right of the page - which is already set (by the website) for "dynamic views only" at some of the "elements" - but for anyone who can see the layout at the side of the page: suddenly that stretches down for pages worth of space - space where there were formerly previous posts - and then my meticulously designed page looks really goofy - and i don't like that effect at all - but it's SO MUCH WORK to restore symmetry every time i find myself in this situation... so i haven't had very many posts when i otherwise might say more things as i think of them and i would write in the moment more... like right now i have semi-unlimited computer access but not in a way that would make it any easier to re-symmetrize (i may be making this word up: cool!) my entire layout - i don't have that much time at all (i am leaving town again, for awhile, any day now: i am freaking out about completing enough things without messing up my blog-page in the midst of it...) - but i did just have an epiphany: what if i just make one of my pages be for like status updates and whatever else i want when i don't want to risk my whole layout in the process at the time i feel like posting or because an opportunity arises when i could, now i will be able to be more spontaneous... and if i'm going to the library to work on a project there's little time for spontaneity then any how... planning to do something cancels it all out too of course...

...having said all that: tomorrow i will be at the library all day until they close, publishing lots of new stuff that i have been anxiously awaiting to for the very longest time: yay! yay yay yay!!!

ok so i guess this is it for now because i want to save my work before i invest any more effort into this moment... i learned that a long time ago - this is not a reliable library computer; it's a crappy old laptop with a faulty internet connection....

peace!

kimberly kristin
december 11 2012
8:13 pm

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so it is december 12 - for one more minute! - i scanned hella stuff today at the library - for seven and a half hours straight and i got a lot of what i wanted to get done, done - but i only got through like less than half of what i was attempting - if only the library would let me stay all night - it'd be like in the book - from the mixed-up files of - i have to wing this for now - from the mixed-up files of mrs. basil e. frankweiler/frankenweiler? if that ain't it it's darn close (i read that book in the 3rd grade so it's been awhile...) - but i know they would have to say no and it all shuts down anyway - the computer system - etc and i understand all that - duh - and so i didn't bother to ask but i'm just saying: how cool that would be!

meanwhile - i plan on being right back to the library as soon as they open tomorrow - to continue with what i started... i have to rush now too or my dinner in the oven will burn.

peace!

*k*

12/12/12