*this is the story of kim and tim* (part one of part two...)
Editor's Note: November 30, 2011
This segment was expanded by 25 additional pages (11/16/11) --
and has also been expanded another ~ 10 pages (11/29/11) and continues here:
new seasons market is not friendly; new seasons market totally sucks (part 2 cont.)
after-thoughts, 2/20/13: while part 3 speaks for itself
(and is the more complete yet concise summary; if my memory is correct as i haven't re-read it at all recently)
i arrived at part 3 only by first writing part one and part two.
writing this all the way out, aided me in my attempt to be more concise and direct and "to the point" in part 3...
if you stumble on this story and have an interest - by all means - read as much as you wish; start where you wish..
if you found this story searching for the story about my personal situation involving new seasons market
and new seasons market sucking so much - you'll probably be best served by beginning at part 3...
(o: because otherwise it's like over a hundred pages until you get to there :o)
my postscript thesis statement - written 14 september 2014 - has been placed at the beginning of part one.
...this is a work in progress...
* * *
*this is the story of kim and tim* part one: excuse me while i break my own heart
published on september 13, 2011
new seasons market is not friendly; new seasons market totally sucks (part 2 cont.)
published on november 29, 2011
part three: god may forgive you; but i won't (new seasons market totally sucks, continued)
published on january 23, 2012
[other related writing projects appear on this site as well]
* * *
"Once intellect has been let out of the bottle of social restraint,
it is almost impossible to put it back in again. And it is immoral to try.
A society that tries to restrain the truth for its own purposes is a lower form of evolution
than a truth that restrains society for its own purposes.”
[From LILA, by Robert M. Pirsig, (Chapter 21)]
“Wait! Wait! Listen to me! . . . We don't HAVE to be just sheep!”
i am the platypus in a walled city
*this is the story of kim and tim*
*this is the story of kim and tim*
part two
hi. my name is kimberly kristin angelique.
This is the part I supposedly most need to write so that I can supposedly put all of this behind me; it’s also the part that I dread the most and therefore I have been procrastinating…
It’s great if this does the trick of really pissing off New Seasons Market: I really want to piss them off! They suck so much!
...I have thought of a lot more ways than this – many better ways of doing that than this…
(o: But this way is most easily available and most importantly; it's totally legal :o)
(o: But this way is most easily available and most importantly; it's totally legal :o)
Before my blogging, before my “boycott new seasons market facebook page” – it already appeared that I had greatly succeeded at ruffling New Seasons Market’s feathers just by publishing their fucked-up e-mail on the Internet at another website (I will also be sharing that fucked-up e-mail in its entirety, here, at some point) and then distributing that publication outside their Seven Corners store.
[Subsequently: that e-mail they sent me that I first open-published on the Internet, got reprinted at a much more visible spot - via Portland Mercury editor Denis C. Theriault @ the Portland Mercury website - at their blogtown page... I didn't know that had occurred for about 3 weeks! But I immediately sensed that New Seasons Market must have been aware of it all along. Lol... (That explained so much; A LOT!)]
Since New Seasons Market deliberately set me up to be falsely arrested as soon as I had started doing this public protesting – I have no doubt that they were pissed off by the next step in my protest: organizing a boycott against them: passing out flyers with a long list of their unethical and immoral practices (o: via contributions from the local community :o) with the headline “Open Call to Boycott New Seasons Market”...
Their short-sightedness in how they handled their objection to me doing that still blows my mind...
...I sometimes forget that intelligence is rarely regarded as highly as one's willingness to submit is; wherein the selection of “management” is concerned...
[However – ironically – just two hours before my false arrest via New Seasons Market – this nice guy at the general meeting for Portland Indy Media – had just finished warning me that something like this might happen (and I should be careful)... Yet all warnings aside – and actual following-through-at-being-so-fucked-up c/o New seasons Market – I shall continue to invoke my free speech rights – and to exercise them in any which way I choose!]
* I lucked out and was in the right place at the right time during a free make your own (~30 second) "movie" youtube promotion happening in downtown portland at pioneer square; i had my picket sign and my skateboard both – :o) – these boycott new seasons promos i made probably do not please them very much either:
(o: they make my heart super happy :o) kristin boycotts new seasons *
(o: they make my heart super happy :o) kristin boycotts new seasons *
Well, it is interesting to note that this blogging idea was first suggested to me by the police officer at the “Recognizance” desk at the Central Precinct of the Portland Police Department – who allowed for my release as soon as my “prints cleared the FBI” – (good grief) – and I really appreciate her suggestion and I will be returning to that ordeal at least once more before I finish this story…
Let it be known, New Seasons Market, that if that stupid and completely unforgivable attempt to suppress me was also meant to scare me into backing off – your plan has totally backfired. Not only have three of the four police officers that I have had to deal with up to that point, expressed their personal support of my cause and told me the best ways to go about it – but that horrific ordeal you put me through and the extenuating circumstances coming from it – are in fact the greatest reason why (now) I will NEVER rest my karmic case against you all.
Let it be known, New Seasons Market, that if that stupid and completely unforgivable attempt to suppress me was also meant to scare me into backing off – your plan has totally backfired. Not only have three of the four police officers that I have had to deal with up to that point, expressed their personal support of my cause and told me the best ways to go about it – but that horrific ordeal you put me through and the extenuating circumstances coming from it – are in fact the greatest reason why (now) I will NEVER rest my karmic case against you all.
Add to that – that I am right and you are wrong – I am the innocent victim and you are all a bunch of CAPITALIST PIGS.
I have the TRUTH on my side.
* * *
I feel the need for another quote:
“Everybody grew up; and turned into assholes...”
-- The Damnwells
...(o: Having said all that :o) – this particular blog – is multi-purpose…
I have spent the last three days and two sleepless nights trying to sort this all out in my brain – how to do this without pissing possibly everybody off – since anyone can read this… I can’t seem to think of how I can do that – not if I want to be totally honest and not without censoring myself – they kind of go hand in hand.
I am setting a few boundaries for myself, though I retain the freedom to modify them if I feel strongly compelled to. I wish to maintain my integrity.
Maintaining my integrity is the whole point of why I am writing my story and posting it on the Internet in the first place... Due to other people having compromised my reputation by telling lies, making false accusations, and talking all kinds of shit about me.
In Part One of this story, I tried to dispel those rumors and accusations. But first I felt like I had to explain myself – which meant divulging a lot of personal history and presenting my particular (and evolving) mindset during the time that my story covers – before I could even begin to take on other people’s wrong perceptions and misrepresentations of my character.Maintaining my integrity is the whole point of why I am writing my story and posting it on the Internet in the first place... Due to other people having compromised my reputation by telling lies, making false accusations, and talking all kinds of shit about me.
Believe it or not: I hold myself up to very high standards. Some people might not think so – but those people probably don’t have a clue as to what it takes to be totally honest – being brave is the first step. It’s not about keeping secrets, living inside closets, or fronting whatever it is one does when nobody else is looking. If putting it all out there seems to compromise a person’s integrity – then that person just doesn’t understand what integrity is – look it up and work from there…
I will tell you this much: You can’t fake it.
I will tell you this much: You can’t fake it.
I need to make a long and winding disclaimer – doing this now (in Part Two) seems a bit belated – but better now, than even later.
I have a sort of dual nature; a two-part personality… If you haven’t yet read Hermann Hesse’s Steppenwolf (it’s awesome, tragic but awesome) – then it’s probably not a very good example for you (o: actually it could also be seen as a bad example or even ironic :o) – but I’m going to reference it anyhow...
I probably am way more than two “me’s”. Yet, for the most part – I only have two of me talking to each other – trying to figure out what our one body should do.
If this sounds crazy – whatever – fuck off to whoever thinks that. I’m just being honest and trying to explain things. I know I am not alone – lots of people are like me in this way. If there really is “just one of (whomever)” – then I might assume that that person is probably incredibly boring and very predictable: no fun.
...I am not like that. I am rarely, if ever, boring. I am very often very unpredictable. Despite my very well-established likes and dislikes that is. I’m not talking about my favorite t-shirts, records or hang-outs – or how I prepare my coffee – but rather intellectual thought patterns, social behaviors and that sort of stuff. In this way: I am extremely dynamic. I do what comes naturally to me; yet I am constantly evolving.
I like who I am; I wouldn’t want to be anybody else. I’m not just referring to people who, in my opinion, totally suck. Even if someone is very successful, seems to have it all and is somehow immune to sadness (isn't that person lucky)… Even if I have bought all of a person's records, or have seen all their films, or have read all their books – even if I am one of their biggest fans – I’d still choose being me over being them.
It’s very hard for me – as someone who is by nature very unique and by choice a nonconformist – trying to fit in with other people… My social interactions are frequently incredibly challenging and traditionally incredibly frustrating; but “I gotta be me”...
It’s very hard for me – as someone who is by nature very unique and by choice a nonconformist – trying to fit in with other people… My social interactions are frequently incredibly challenging and traditionally incredibly frustrating; but “I gotta be me”...
* * *
“You stare at me with hate in your eyes. Take a look at yourself; is it me you despise?”
This quote is from a song by the Las Vegas punk band: M.I.A.
* * *
I suppose I could write a whole essay focusing exclusively on how I feel about these “holier than thou” conformists who go around professing that anyone not like them must be “crazy” – and that equals “not good” – but for now I will try to be as concise as it is possible for me to be at this moment:
Part of what bothers me about these people – to be perfectly clear – is not the word crazy itself – but their intentional suggestion that whomever they are labeling as crazy is somehow inferior to them. Not to be contradictory (relying on vocabulary alone poses obstacles of this kind) – but for anyone to make such an insinuation – suggests to me – that they are intellectually inferior and therefore any judgment passing from them (while one can be sympathetic of their limitations up to a point) makes these people total hypocrites. For many reasons I suppose, hypocrisy is something which seriously pisses me off. To be fair – I feel that I should say right now that I do not consider myself perfect and have lots of room for improvements of my own – I have done things before which I sensed were wrong, and yet I did them anyway…
...I am still on the road to being the best person that I can be...
However, I have never been guilty of judging someone who is simply different from me, or who doesn’t think like me, or see things from my perspective – as crazy.
[Perhaps, in my opinion – I believed they were “wrong” – or maybe even "stupid" – but again, that is quite “different”...]
...I am still on the road to being the best person that I can be...
However, I have never been guilty of judging someone who is simply different from me, or who doesn’t think like me, or see things from my perspective – as crazy.
[Perhaps, in my opinion – I believed they were “wrong” – or maybe even "stupid" – but again, that is quite “different”...]
The better word for these kinds of situations is: DIFFERENT
There is a gigantic chasm between the words “crazy” and “different”... While personally, misuse of words also generally upsets me a little too (I’m not saying I am not judgmental – that would be hypocritical of me to say) that is not my point at all. Accidental misuse – like discrete vs. discreet is very common – however that's not a very relevant example... So then, how about a better example: Like, crazy vs. weird – that's one thing – different than you are vs. mentally fucked up – is quite another.
Sometimes words have two or more meanings; like weird – crazy – is a great example of this double-meaning...
If you say that’s crazy – or this is making me crazy – or you are acting crazy – that’s different to me than in almost every case I can think of – of someone telling somebody else: “you are crazy.” To attempt to be consistently clear on this point – I don’t refer to every possible circumstance.
...If someone says I bet I can run in front of a moving locomotive and probably not get killed and is seriously considering trying to prove it – what else would you think to say to them (besides trying to stop them from doing that) – if someone says I feel like kicking that cop because I hate cops and I think I can outrun them – even if you might be empathetic to them feeling that way – that’s also probably an understandable time to tell somebody that they are crazy. In both situations; it’s not worth the risk!...If you say that’s crazy – or this is making me crazy – or you are acting crazy – that’s different to me than in almost every case I can think of – of someone telling somebody else: “you are crazy.” To attempt to be consistently clear on this point – I don’t refer to every possible circumstance.
...Just because somebody is different than you; it doesn’t make them crazy! Quite the opposite… Thinking that everyone should be the same – that’s conformity – and has nothing to do with mental health. (In my opinion that suggests to me a low level of intelligence on the part of the person thinking that thought.) No matter who you are, if you think you are somehow the epitome of how everyone else should be: that is crazy thinking (in my opinion)...
[...Though there is much more I could say in this regard... In order to not digress from this digression, let me just say this: Society has an incredibly shameful history of both mislabeling and persecuting perfectly innocent and free-thinking individuals as insane... Like I said: I could easily write a whole essay on this subject, perhaps even an entire book.]
Furthermore, if in fact a person actually is crazy, as in severely psychologically fucked-up and possibly a danger to oneself: then that is something for everyone to be compassionate about – and everyone should be sympathetic and nurturing – not taunting them and/or calling them names!
That is immoral; that is EVIL.
That is immoral; that is EVIL.
So then...
Hey, Jennifer Natoli: FUCK YOU
Hey, Mary Alison Leatart: FUCK YOU
(P.S. I have a lot more to say to you stupid jerks, so please hold that thought... Ditto, Miguel!)
* 3/13/13: Another thought (I apparently omitted previously) – about Jennifer Natoli and all the haters at New Seasons Market:
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!
Jennifer Natoli: Did you go behind Tim's back – and stay there – or did you just start there; when you set Tim – risking losing his job – in motion (February 2011)... and then stood by (in an evil-puppetmaster-sort-of-way) as Tim had to deal with (and did not deal with well at all) the consequences of you starting that? ...What about when you targeted me, staged that fight with me in the public dining area of Tim's WORKPLACE , verbally assaulted me, physically threatened me, sought to intimidate me, BULLIED ME, etc – and then followed that by making an even bigger scene right in front of Tim while he was on duty and working at his work station – and then (so wrongly) thinking you'd successfully gotten exactly what you wanted (all that mattered to you) you actually were setting into PERMANENT MOTION this entire fiasco?! Seriously Jennifer; you consider this "normal" and "sane" behavior? All things considered; everything points to you being the "crazy bitch"; Jennifer. FUCK YOU!
New Seasons Market: You unfairly judged me. You unfairly trespassed me. You unfairly have wasted SO MUCH of my time! You unfairly (and coercively) slandered me. You targeted me. You staged scenes... YOU SET ME UP! YOU LIED TO THE POLICE (AND ALL OF PORTLAND)! YOU HAD ME FALSELY ARRESTED. By the way: That is a crime – and maybe I am poor and vulnerable in that way – but this fucked-upness you pulled and my subsequent consequential wrath against you; it isn't over... I will be vindicated someday. WORD.
YOU ARE THE ONES WHO ARE REALLY THE MOST FUCKED UP!
Timothy Shipp (That's your current byline – right – Mr. Reporter?): How many lies? How many lows? You really really really SUCK Tim. FUCK YOU! I'll just leave it at that for now... *
Hey, Jennifer Natoli: FUCK YOU
Hey, Mary Alison Leatart: FUCK YOU
(P.S. I have a lot more to say to you stupid jerks, so please hold that thought... Ditto, Miguel!)
* 3/13/13: Another thought (I apparently omitted previously) – about Jennifer Natoli and all the haters at New Seasons Market:
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!
Jennifer Natoli: Did you go behind Tim's back – and stay there – or did you just start there; when you set Tim – risking losing his job – in motion (February 2011)... and then stood by (in an evil-puppetmaster-sort-of-way) as Tim had to deal with (and did not deal with well at all) the consequences of you starting that? ...What about when you targeted me, staged that fight with me in the public dining area of Tim's WORKPLACE , verbally assaulted me, physically threatened me, sought to intimidate me, BULLIED ME, etc – and then followed that by making an even bigger scene right in front of Tim while he was on duty and working at his work station – and then (so wrongly) thinking you'd successfully gotten exactly what you wanted (all that mattered to you) you actually were setting into PERMANENT MOTION this entire fiasco?! Seriously Jennifer; you consider this "normal" and "sane" behavior? All things considered; everything points to you being the "crazy bitch"; Jennifer. FUCK YOU!
New Seasons Market: You unfairly judged me. You unfairly trespassed me. You unfairly have wasted SO MUCH of my time! You unfairly (and coercively) slandered me. You targeted me. You staged scenes... YOU SET ME UP! YOU LIED TO THE POLICE (AND ALL OF PORTLAND)! YOU HAD ME FALSELY ARRESTED. By the way: That is a crime – and maybe I am poor and vulnerable in that way – but this fucked-upness you pulled and my subsequent consequential wrath against you; it isn't over... I will be vindicated someday. WORD.
YOU ARE THE ONES WHO ARE REALLY THE MOST FUCKED UP!
Timothy Shipp (That's your current byline – right – Mr. Reporter?): How many lies? How many lows? You really really really SUCK Tim. FUCK YOU! I'll just leave it at that for now... *
Going back to crazy having a variety of interpretations – to quote another song:
“We are never going to survive unless we get a little crazy.”
(I think it’s by this artist who calls himself: Seal)
…Which makes me think about this brilliant book – which, upon a highly trusted recommendation, I began reading about just two weeks ago:
AN INQUIRY INTO MORALS
(Written by Robert M. Pirsig: he is also the author of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance)
...Not to oversimplify Pirsig's Metaphysics of Quality...
In LILA: Pirsig talks about how Static Quality – which is inferior – is nevertheless necessary, because it is how we latch. Dynamic Quality – which is superior – is how we evolve.
...Dynamic Quality and Static Quality are both vital to all forms of survival...
Therefore, rather than labeling the nonconformists as crazy and shunning them: perhaps you should be thanking your fucking lucky stars for their existence – because we are the ones whom everybody’s existence – ultimately depends on…
This is Portland, right? As in "Keep Portland weird?" What the fuck!?
(o: That isn’t my full disclaimer – in fact it is more of an introduction to my specific disclaimer – to which I will hopefully be getting soon :o)
Because “I” am represented by more than one “me”: we don’t always agree about how we should handle things. For this particular point – what I am talking about is that there is a part of me who hates almost everyone – basically the entire human race. It began with hating people who eat animals and then evolved when I realized that this pretty much includes the whole human race...
[This is not meant to imply that there are not vast more reasons for me to feel this way about the human race!]
As it turns out, I have discovered for myself that: just because somebody is a Vegetarian/Vegan; it doesn’t automatically make them "cool". Sort of like my mom (who is a lesbian) – seeming to think that just because someone is gay – that this automatically suggests that they are also, cool. You can tell by the way she likes to point out – anytime someone who is considered to be cool – happens to be gay. It’s not a bad thing for her to feel this way – and this may not be the best comparative example for me to go with – but it’s what first came to my mind. I would totally agree that a lot of gay people are in fact cool; but not necessarily because they are gay. It takes a lot of courage, even today: to be openly gay – and courage speaks very highly about a person’s character. Yet not all cool people are gay, and not all gay people are cool.
Likewise – being Vegetarian (GO VEGAN!) is a great first step towards being cool...
Generally speaking, I don’t care what a person’s reason is for deciding to become a Vegetarian/Vegan; yay for that. For me: it’s about caring about animals and not being a murderer or an accomplice to murder. So if for someone else, the reason is it’s because “all the cool people are doing it” – or because it’s “healthy” – or because it’s the “green” thing to do... Then, yes: I and the animals still wish to thank you... You will help to save a lot of lives with your choice.
But in my opinion: those are lousy main reasons for becoming a Vegetarian/Vegan. These should be secondary, not primary, motives. It’s not OK to kill – that’s primary – and if you don’t get that and you don’t act on it – you are not cool, even if you are Vegetarian/Vegan (in my opinion)...
(o: It’s really hard for me not to totally digress right now :o)
What I want to continue trying to explain is that – this part of me that hates almost everybody because almost everybody is a murderer or an accomplice to murder – that this same part of me doesn’t really have much – if any concern – about how these ethically inferior humans think about me (like I said I will be pissing almost everybody off) – or how they feel, or what they think, about anything – because they are murderers!
(o:
...This is why when I hear about hunting and fishing accidents or deaths caused by food poisoning from contaminated meat etc – on behalf of slaughtered animals everywhere – I feel sort of vindicated inside. If you eat animals – why should you be permitted to live? It’s similar to society’s way of looking at the death penalty I suppose – but it’s not the same – I’m just trying to give you some perspective in case you think that’s a terrible thought to think. I’m not saying it’s not a terrible thought; I’m being totally honest and I have these thoughts sometimes.
Personally I am totally against the death penalty – especially because of the possibility for error regarding a person’s innocence – but also because it is unquestionably immoral in my opinion. It is not OK to kill.
If such an offense occurs as the result of self-defense – if it seems to be your only choice and there’s no time to get away – that is different in my opinion – because that person was trying to kill you first and of course I believe you have the right to save yourself in that situation.
If murderers accidentally cause their own deaths: shoot themselves, blow themselves up, set themselves on fire – or eat contaminated meat from your refrigerator after they stabbed you – that’s also OK with me... This is still only an opinion – I would never want to be the actual cause of anyone’s death nor be the one who decides who should die…
Even though I feel no mercy for hunters, fishers or carnivores in general – I would still care about their families – and I would still consider that they could change their ways.
...Hopefully, rather than die in a hunting accident – the hunter would strongly reconsider what it was they were trying to do when the accident occurred – have a change of heart and never touch a gun again…
Having said that – in the ethics court of my mind – I additionally make temporary exceptions to this rule of hating people who eat animals where children are concerned. They don’t all get it that they don’t have to do anything their parents tell them to do – let alone eat animals if they don’t want to…
I am lucky in this way; I was possibly born more highly evolved than my parents and most of my peers.
As a little kid, I quickly learned to think for myself and to act in ways which I felt were right – no matter how anyone else – including every single grown-up (parent, teacher, you name it) – ordered me to act – or threatened me if I didn’t obey... I often suffered for this – emotionally and physically – but I always remained true to myself. I realize that I am exceptional in this way* – and so ethically speaking – I make certain allowances for children who mimic their parents’ behaviors and lesser-evolved ethics. But once a person fully comprehends what he/she/they are doing and then willingly goes along with that; chooses to eat meat over saving the life of an animal: that person has chosen violence. There is no counter-argument for being Vegan. I'd rather be lonely and/or have fewer friends - than have to witness the violence of meat-eaters.
[* It would be remiss of me to fail to note that my natural inclination towards nonconformity was greatly nurtured during the time that my parents were raising me in the counterculture of the early 1970's... Fortunately, what proved to be more of a fad or a trend for my parents (and many others among their generation during that groundbreaking era) was no passing phase for me. From the moment that I could walk and talk: I was also learning to walk my talk... While my parents and the majority of their peers have succumbed to Capitalist mainstream society; I have remained loyal to the idealistic principles that helped to shape me into the altruistic and non-materialistic person which I have proudly grown up to be... By the way: I told Tim all about my feelings about this "topic" very early on in our friendship, ALL of it by July 2011. Tim has always known I feel this way. Just saying...]
Now let me introduce you to the other me: who tries to look at all sorts of things – including people’s unethical behaviors – as possibly being due to their not having evolved as highly as I have. I am willing to cut almost everyone some slack in this sense – up to a point – just as long as they don’t fuck with me directly.
“You may say I'm a dreamer...”
Within myself: there’s this Pollyanna-like persona as well. (o: This me, is so virtuous it is sometimes almost sickening to the totally jaded me :o) Yet this me, is the one who “rules the school” of my philosophizing... The jaded me also understands and appreciates that it is always better to be kind than to be cruel – and that two wrongs don’t make a right – etc and so on…
This is the part of me that always tries to be nice to people no matter what.
…At some point the other me (the protector of this kinder, more gentle, me) says – "What the fuck?!" – and comes out swinging. Mostly out of an anger which comes from witnessing this kinder, gentler me – getting trampled – even while I was trying to be so nice…
This nearly always takes my victimizers by surprise:
“Hey, where did Little Miss Sunshine go? Up-oh.”
…Suddenly the big bully is running scared...
(o: I love it when that happens :o)
This "super-sweet me" – is incredibly patient and understanding. I want to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. This me: CARES A LOT (cue Faith No More). I try my best to deal with people not liking me even though I’m so sincerely nice to others... The beautiful sensitivity inherent in this part of me is what enables my great compassion towards others and leads me to trying to spread goodness and kindness everywhere I go. Yet another result of this seemingly non-depletable source of compassion – is ultra sensitivity to feeling misunderstood and/or misjudged.
Herein lays the great conflict between these two me’s…
I try not to let words ever hurt me; but there are times when they really do hurt me.
“Sticks and Stones”: Obviously they suck a lot – yet I somehow seem to deal with them much easier – most physical injuries get better on their own. It is the purposely hurtful words which appear to leave the longest-lasting scars; this is dependent on who is trying to hurt me. That schoolyard song only holds up for me when it is just some jerk being a jerk or someone who is obviously actually jealous of me and so they are trying to tear me down with their taunts.
“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
This rationalization works very well for me all of the time. I can think of no exceptions at this time. But that rationalization doesn’t necessarily cover all of the bases of emotional injury. If someone I trust – especially if it is someone I love – most especially if it is someone I love very much – says anything to purposely hurt me – I have a natural tendency to take it pretty hard.
I try to spot the difference between when somebody is just mad – and says shit out of anger – that they don’t really mean, or will at least regret saying later – but it is those times when they are deliberately being hurtful – as if they are trying to destroy me with their words – that really fuck me up. If in my mind – whatever is being said – seems to be mostly due to a completely inaccurate interpretation of an action or an event or an idea – then naturally I will seek to explain myself and/or that particular situation – in hopes of helping them see things from the more correct point of view, etc and so on…
Therefore, at times like these, I seem to get it in my head: that if I just try to explain myself – no matter how many times or different ways it takes – or if it takes a million different sentences until one sticks; that I can change these people’s minds and eventually get them to see it my way, and then there will be peace again. When it is somebody, or involves somebody, whom I cherish with all my heart: it seems a reasonable effort to make.
My two me’s are almost at a dead-lock as to deciding how to handle a situation such as this one. Trying to make sense of all this complexity is causing both of us tremendous grief!
On the one hand: Fuck New Seasons Market.How could any stupid fucking grocery store – even as they more and more come to resemble a multi-death corporation – possibly be worth this much stress?
I hate everyone me: says that we won the fight on July 4 (2011), when Mary Alison proved my case once and for all, by making that low-life post of hers at the Portland Indy Media site.* That me, says: I should have probably victoriously rested my case, then...
[* It was removed the next day! (Both Mary Alison's and Tim's posts!) Then soon after that the entire thread was eventually removed. There ended up being two "threads" and one still remains up but Mary Alison and Tim never posted at this other one (unless they did so pseudonymously like Tim's girlfriend...) Guess what, Mary Alison? I had already copied it and saved it an e-mail – link and all – before it was taken down. WORD UP! It appears below...]
[This is relevant: I myself only became aware of Mary Alison's e-mail – which I open-published at aforementioned site – being REPUBLISHED at the Portland Mercury website / Blogtown story: by the editor himself (Denis C. Theriault) – three weeks after the fact. But in due time I noted how its publication date there (@ Portland Mercury) – July 1 2011 – coincided with Tim and Mary Alison's "counter-posts" at my post at Portland Indy Media, just 3 days later! Me to myself: That's why they freaked out and made up those falsified narratives?! I felt a real YAY for them having finally taken me seriously (able to make trouble for them; while vowing to continue to do that – until they make things right – which they obviously are unwilling to do. They are total jerks...) but it also explained why they all were suddenly having this reckoning. So naturally – I wonder if this is also the moment – when they conspired to set me up and have me falsely arrested... One week later they tried to do that; two weeks later they succeeded. I'm just saying...]
This whole situation has been one fucked-up chain reaction after another... Regardless of any of what my attackers and detractors are saying about me: I didn't instigate any of this. I was the first person to be unwillingly dragged into this battle. I am the first victim. Yet, I do acknowledge that I share some of the responsibility in certain latter aspects; most especially once I went into this pay-back mode. I have tried to extricate myself from all of this more than once – but each time I had made an attempt – it seemed as if more information would come to my attention about the extremes to which I was being fucked over... There finally came a point where I could see no turning back... I am now in this fight for my honor for the long haul... BUT THEY STARTED IT!
* * *
Yet at the center of it all – is Tim – whom I once loved with all my heart. (...And still love very much with a part of my heart; it has been broken...) Although Tim totally falsified and/or misrepresented everything in the Internet post which he made: it was (obviously) crushing to me that Tim would do this...
...As much as that Internet post of Tim's sucked – as much as it hurt me at first to read it – and my initial reaction to it was to reel in pain and then lash out at him...
I lashed out at Tim in an e-mail however, and not on a website (I hadn't done that yet and I definitely didn't have this blog yet)... Yet I then forwarded that same e-mail to 3 or so of his managers – and while it is important to note that this took place during the time in which I was also personally responding to Mary Alison's post – I admit that I have done things in an attempt to settle the score, which I feel badly about as well... BUT THEY STARTED IT!
...Of course Tim's Internet post was total bullshit. I still believe that I know Tim well enough, to also truly believe that he must have felt like he greatly compromised any integrity, which he once may have had, in doing that. I also get it that Tim couldn’t have meant all those hurtful things he said – in light of the fact that none of what he was focusing on was in any way true! Because Tim used such specific examples in which his dishonesty would be so obvious (to me at least)...
The *million-dollar question* is: What was Tim's motivation for doing that?
In hindsight, silver-lining-me wonders if perhaps Tim actually hand-picked those particular falsified claims, in hopes that I would eventually realize that they were some sort of a hidden message to me (Hey Kristin: Obviously this is ALL lies!). Possibly Tim didn’t really mean to hurt me with any of what he was writing in that post... (I said: Possibly...)
I feel absolutely certain that Tim must have felt coerced into making that post...
Coerced by his girlfriend for certain (I can see them in my mind's eye as I write; Jennifer calling all the shots and Tim puppeting the role of her subservient little bitch...) and possibly encouraged by New Seasons Market as well...
[But at any time Tim could have just told everyone the truth!]
As I was discussing previously in this story (up there a bit^): Coinciding with Tim posting his totally dishonest claims (in the discussion section of my article: new seasons is not friendly) at the Portland Indy Media website – is the seriously delusional PR spin on the whole May 19 incident that Mary Alison jumped in with; in a piece which she wrote and posted, entitled: Kindness Please
04.Jul.2011 10:07
A note of "clarification" - if such a thing exists within the realm of human discourse.
I originally met with Kristin at our Store Support offices (upon her request) in order to understand her issues and concerns. When we set up the appointment I only knew that she sounded very upset. I honored her desire to keep me in the dark regarding the reason for this meeting until we actually sat down together.
Our meeting lasted for 2.25 hours, at which point the room was needed for another purpose. During those 2.25 hours, Kristin delivered a convoluted reprisal of myriad, seemingly disconnected events which at first confused, and then ultimately dismayed me. Having originally feared that she had somehow been genuinely "wronged" by someone or some circumstance, it became clear that she was in fact behaving in a disturbing and threatening manner, essentially stalking a store employee. This did not rule out the fact that I felt very badly for her, understanding that she did not have the necessary support in dealing with various "issues" in her life.
After meeting with Kristin I crafted a letter that would hopefully accomplish two goals:
1) clarification of the fact that she was no longer welcome in our stores - necessary for the well-being of store employees AND CUSTOMERS
2) a heart-felt suggestion that she channel her energies into other pursuits - not meant as passive-aggressive "fluff" but rather a small attempt to allow her to save face ... and possibly move in a more constructive direction in her life
The subsequent phone call to which Kristin alludes was an attempt on my part to disengage from the "spin" that seemed to be all-consuming and yet utterly unproductive. I DID NOT say that I didn't have time to bother with her, or that she was troublesome. Rather, I truthfully told her that I had many other customers to whom I must attend. I said that the whole situation was "troubling" and that I had passed her latest email on to someone who could deal with it in a more knowledgeable fashion.
I shall continue to vote for kindness in dealing with all people - even if such kindness is labeled "passive-aggressive." I could only hope for reciprocal kindness.
I originally met with Kristin at our Store Support offices (upon her request) in order to understand her issues and concerns. When we set up the appointment I only knew that she sounded very upset. I honored her desire to keep me in the dark regarding the reason for this meeting until we actually sat down together.
Our meeting lasted for 2.25 hours, at which point the room was needed for another purpose. During those 2.25 hours, Kristin delivered a convoluted reprisal of myriad, seemingly disconnected events which at first confused, and then ultimately dismayed me. Having originally feared that she had somehow been genuinely "wronged" by someone or some circumstance, it became clear that she was in fact behaving in a disturbing and threatening manner, essentially stalking a store employee. This did not rule out the fact that I felt very badly for her, understanding that she did not have the necessary support in dealing with various "issues" in her life.
After meeting with Kristin I crafted a letter that would hopefully accomplish two goals:
1) clarification of the fact that she was no longer welcome in our stores - necessary for the well-being of store employees AND CUSTOMERS
2) a heart-felt suggestion that she channel her energies into other pursuits - not meant as passive-aggressive "fluff" but rather a small attempt to allow her to save face ... and possibly move in a more constructive direction in her life
The subsequent phone call to which Kristin alludes was an attempt on my part to disengage from the "spin" that seemed to be all-consuming and yet utterly unproductive. I DID NOT say that I didn't have time to bother with her, or that she was troublesome. Rather, I truthfully told her that I had many other customers to whom I must attend. I said that the whole situation was "troubling" and that I had passed her latest email on to someone who could deal with it in a more knowledgeable fashion.
I shall continue to vote for kindness in dealing with all people - even if such kindness is labeled "passive-aggressive." I could only hope for reciprocal kindness.
Mary Alison
-------------------
...LOL...
Let it be known, that I have a lot more to say about your fucking untruthful post, Mary Alison and I shall return to this subject before I conclude all of these parts, which are at this time, works in progress... [But seriously: You MUST realize how ridiculous you are to try and spin anything you wrote or said or how you handled things as "kindness" – you need a fucking better dictionary – if you actually somehow, some way, have come to that conclusion!]
For right now, I want to say this:
As upsetting as this fucked-up post was for me – on so many levels – especially considering that I had given Mary Alison the benefit of the doubt when she informed me that she wasn't the person who was handing down the decision etc... She had also seemed to hint that if it were up to her, she would choose to handle it differently, which also suggested to me that she agreed I was being screwed over...
I was right to think that Mary Alison was being manipulative when she downplayed her role in all of this.
...While I strongly doubt that this was Mary Alison's intention, this particular post of hers did however accomplish certain things, which I believe are to my benefit.
For one thing – her post confirmed various statements that I had published – but which I could not prove by statement alone: For instance, that I had called Mary Alison, to clarify and talk out the upsetting reply issued to me on behalf of New Seasons Market (again, I will include this e-mail here as well, at some point)... Furthermore, Mary Alison acknowledges her receipt of my reply to their e-mail (the one where I make everything perfectly clear to New Seasons Market, in writing – to which I never received any follow-up reply)... Semantics aside: Mary Alison concurs her refusal to personally discuss the matter with me any further*...
Most important of all, this insulting Internet post of hers, proves just how truly disingenuous Mary Alison was being in that fucked-up e-mail which she “crafted”... (P.S. Mary Alison: If you were full of shit then: Why should anyone believe you now?)
...Not to downplay how much Mary Alison's Internet post assailed me – but the direct (and immediate) response to her post, by whom I believe is an administrator @ Portland Indy Media's website – helped me to feel a whole lot better:
04.Jul.2011 10:53
STFU
Where's the kindness towards the woman hit by the New Seasons truck? Take your PR bullshit and shove it up your ass. New Seasons sucks ass just like any other "progressive" business that makes its living by taking authentic desires to live healthier and then recuperating them and selling them back to us. They're just like any other shitty profit driven business, the bottom line always comes first. Fuck that and fuck New Seasons.
[Thank you for telling her all that: @! Yay for you doing that!]
...Good grief...
Mary Alison, if this is your idea of KINDNESS:
FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!
[* The main purpose of my publishing those particular statements in my article, was to support the fact that I had truly and earnestly made many prior efforts to PROPERLY handle this situation with New Seasons Market in a private and professional manner... It was their noncooperation – and incredibly offensive handling of the situation – which first led to me making my customer complaints against their business practices a matter of public record.]
ONCE MORE WITH FEELING: FUCK YOU!
When Tim disgruntledly wrote out his post (he began it with the disclaimer that he didn't want to even be writing that post in the first place) – before concluding his otherwise untruthful testimony – Tim addressed me directly. Telling me that: I would probably regret my ever posting (this fiasco) on the Internet.
[Well, yes Tim, I already did regret it ...to an extent... DUH! But it was not only already too late by then to change that decision – it only ever happened in the first place because of your girlfriend staging the scene that evolved into this whole "incident" – which led to New Seasons Market making me a scapegoat – and that all likely began with you failing to be truthful long before that – so your delivering that omen to me – made me way more pissed off than I already was – which was an awful lot!!!]
Backing up to what I started to say before: Everything that Tim commented on in his post – was total bullshit.
So obviously I would recognize his dishonesty throughout all of it and so maybe because he knew that I would immediately recognize that he was being thoroughly dishonest – as I knew the real truth behind every one of those comments – I would also perhaps be clever enough to figure out that he couldn't possibly mean anything that he was saying...
In that sense – am I making any sense? – in that sense – I could have taken that Internet post as a secret sign that Tim didn’t mean for any of this to be happening either – and also let that go.
So why don’t I? Let it go?
First of all: I didn't interpret Tim's completely lying about everything in that "silver-lining-way" at the time...
Second of all: Even with all of my soul-searching up to this point; I still must acknowledge that this might all be wishful thinking on my part!
Maybe Tim really was sticking the knife in as deep as it would go and twisting it; that's certainly how it felt at the time.
[No matter what Tim is a fucking jerk for telling those lies about our relationship and misrepresenting the context of everything at all times...]
It's a very hard assimilation to make – that devastating backstabbing – juxtaposed with the extra special friend I trusted enough to give my heart to, whom I love so deeply and truly, and care so much about...
I am still working this all out for myself; even as I write this out I am.
I truly, strongly believe – that at least part of the reason that Tim sank to such lows is that both his girlfriend and his employer had backed him so far up against a wall – that at the time, he probably felt as if his very livelihood depended on him taking those actions.
All of this is also unfair to him – because all Tim had ever done – was try to be a very nice person and make everyone happy...
At some point he made some stupid – yet at the time – seemingly innocent mistake...
[Though I repeat: At any time Tim could have just told everyone the truth!]
This isn’t any fairer to Tim, than it is to me. My best educated-guess, is that Tim probably must have felt helpless as to what to do, etc and so on...
This is a very BIG reason why, I hate Tim's girlfriend and his employer, so much...
...Not just for what they have put me through – but also for what they have (each in their own way) put Tim through...
Everyone on the other side keeps blaming me! I realize I am being terribly misjudged; but I didn’t cause any of this to take place!
I refuse to be just a pawn in their game – like Tim has been made a pawn.
I am throwing this game board against the wall and saying:
“Not so fast; no fucking way; not at all!!!”
...I’m still digging to these deeper levels of what is compelling me to follow this through...
It’s easy to point to my making a vow to both Tim and Miguel, that because of what had just taken place (on July 9, 2011 during phase one of New Seasons Market setting me up for false arrest) that they had dragged this out (my protesting against them for all their fucked-upness) for at least another 6 months. I said that time-frame randomly, but nonetheless, it was a vow...
...There is also the vow that I repeatedly stated on the Internet (to all whom it may concern) that I would see this protest through…
As someone who tries to keep my promises: these points can’t really be overstated.
This might sound egotistical and/or self-centered if viewed in the wrong context.
...I also honestly believe that by seeing this through: I am helping these fucked-up people – whether they deserve it or not – to becoming better versions of themselves – personally assisting them in their own ethical evolution.
Right or wrong (perfectly sane or possibly not) – I believe that this is one of the most important reasons why I am here on Earth at this time: To help in every way that I can to make the world a better place.
...I always look for the silver-lining in even the darkest clouds. I say to myself all sorts of things – but for example – I might say this to myself: Maybe I have been unfairly targeted and terribly mistreated – but perhaps this is also an opportunity to teach. Possibly I seem to attract these horrible people – despite my amazing goodness – because I have a special ability and an awe-inspiring endurance which will enable me to help these people not be so fucked up and hopefully then they will discontinue behaving like such fucking jerks. How about trying to see it that way? Then, not only might I feel a whole lot better and much less victimized – but more importantly – I will indeed be doing what I most want to do – and that is to make the world a better place…
…One person at a time – or a whole group at a time – and sooner or later – between myself and other kind souls like me – society will begin to evolve higher and higher – and each time this happens I am paving the way for a kinder humanity – as well as a safer and more friendly world for the animals…
Perchance to dream . . .
Yet this is only part of the equation. I made another vow – I made it to the cows at the factory dairy farms (which are owned by the founder of New Seasons Market and which the stores are also profiting from) – that I will do everything I can possibly think of to legally help them. Me going to jail won’t help them, and me being on the run from the law would mean never seeing my family again, so for these reasons I have to find a legal way to help them.
I am hoping so much, that somehow – exposing the existence of these unhappy cows at these unsanitary farms – which New Seasons Market is so closely associated with – will help to do this... Meanwhile, I will keep looking at other angles as well...
Wish me luck!
I don’t know of any better way to explain this in any basic use of language – and I also suspect that the more I try to do so, the more people will continue to label me as crazy – but I am putting it out there anyhow. I feel that this is something I am meant to do, and the feelings which are propelling me forward, overpower any which suggest that I should just give up and walk away.
Amen.
(o:
Another part of me can’t quit thinking about how sad all this makes me, and is having trouble concentrating on other things, which really need my concentration right now.
This whole situation makes it very hard for me to sleep well at night. Mostly this is because I love Tim so very much and he has broken my heart – but a lot of it is also because all these lies were told about me and there are people who maybe actually believe them. Some of it is because even though I maybe convinced some people of what is true and what is not – they are still misunderstanding me and misjudging me – and that makes me sad too.
Therefore, these two parts of me have come to a sort of compromise. This story represents this compromise.
My blog lets me say everything I can think to say right now – and offers me provisions for future discussion as well. It also lets I hate everyone me have a chance to let it be known to the people I especially am hating right now – just how much I hate them.
Best of all: I can either not permit comments – or permit them but remove them – if I don’t like them. At this time I am choosing not to permit them. I do not think that permitting comments will bring me any positive resolution; it will more likely drag this out even longer. As it is, I have enough places on the Internet which I am already feeling like I have to consistently monitor, for the sake of my reputation… People whom I care about, they already know how to reach me. My profile provides my e-mail address to whomever wishes to write me...
OK – that was a long and seriously digressive disclaimer – but I feel it is important to point all those things out. Plus: Me, myself and I – agreed upon writing this blog on the condition that they each are permitted to make a statement pertaining to their uniquely individual motives:
1. To tell everyone who I think deserves it, to fuck off and why I feel that way...
2. To hopefully defend my honor – as much as that can still be done under these less than ideal circumstances.
3. And ideally, to bring about some peaceful resolution (for all of us) – to the extent which that can possibly be done.
3. And ideally, to bring about some peaceful resolution (for all of us) – to the extent which that can possibly be done.
Here is some more disclaimer-like stuff for Part Two of this story:
The first modifiable writing rule is:
I’m going to take Kerouac’s advice as a writer and write this: “First thought best thought.”
However, this isn’t fiction – so in a way all these thoughts have been preordained and in that sense there is already a script for this. What I’m going to try to avoid – just like I originally set out to do in Part One – is freaking out during the revision process. I'm just going to write this out as it comes to me, and this time I’m not going to worry if I even do any revising or not. I may decide to revise some – I may decide to a lot – but at this moment: I just want to get through this; I just want to get it over with.
I’m going to take Kerouac’s advice as a writer and write this: “First thought best thought.”
However, this isn’t fiction – so in a way all these thoughts have been preordained and in that sense there is already a script for this. What I’m going to try to avoid – just like I originally set out to do in Part One – is freaking out during the revision process. I'm just going to write this out as it comes to me, and this time I’m not going to worry if I even do any revising or not. I may decide to revise some – I may decide to a lot – but at this moment: I just want to get through this; I just want to get it over with.
Part One – was special – wherein (except where I reference past sadnesses – jump ahead to events that chronologically hadn’t happened yet and/or alluded to Part Two, as well as almost the entire passage from July 2010) – I was retracing the most happy times in my friendship with Tim, and that was really pretty nice…for various reasons... But especially, because it helped me to remember why I care about Tim so much, and how I came to fall in love with him.
Not that I ever forgot: My story illustrates that I haven’t forgotten a second of my experience in knowing Tim. I didn’t narrate every second of that time (in Part One), but I believe I could have. Perhaps someday, if the story of *Kim and Tim* does become one of my future novels, I will call upon those many other memories and write in even greater detail…
What reminding myself of all that transpired between Tim and I (in "B.C." time) has done for me, is quell all the outside voices of family, friends, peers and strangers…
From the person who is closest to me: my son, and others who are close to me, like my two newest and dear friends (who didn’t know me until after Tim broke my heart)… all the way down to the various people who don’t know me at all, from the Internet (who felt the need to comment on all this)...
[Whether it’s because they have never even met me, or whether it’s because they’ve assumed anonymity and so I don’t know with absolute certainty who they are but I can tell they don’t know me very well... Or even if they do know me (and yet they are using pseudonyms) – then they’ve either unintentionally got it all wrong, or they have some agenda where they feel the need to set me up to come across as somehow different than I really am. So – hold this thought – I’ll try to come back to it...]
From the person who is closest to me: my son, and others who are close to me, like my two newest and dear friends (who didn’t know me until after Tim broke my heart)… all the way down to the various people who don’t know me at all, from the Internet (who felt the need to comment on all this)...
[Whether it’s because they have never even met me, or whether it’s because they’ve assumed anonymity and so I don’t know with absolute certainty who they are but I can tell they don’t know me very well... Or even if they do know me (and yet they are using pseudonyms) – then they’ve either unintentionally got it all wrong, or they have some agenda where they feel the need to set me up to come across as somehow different than I really am. So – hold this thought – I’ll try to come back to it...]
This is probably a good place for me to state my second modifiable Part Two writing rule:
No rules! I don’t think I give a fuck at this point in the story – whether it’s easy to follow me or not.
I’m not deliberately trying to make it difficult to follow me – but the whole idea of first thought best thought is that you just keep going – you don’t worry about what you started to say, but find yourself saying now – you might get back to it – (you can revise later if you feel compelled to) – but you just keep going with where you are now…. You already wrote what you wrote before – it will still be there... But if you leave what you are writing now, because it doesn’t follow a straight line – you might never get that thought back – etc and so on…
Therefore, I apologize for this, but there’s way too much for me to sort out in all this confusion, without worrying about any advice that some teacher once passed down to me in school. Since this is technically a blog, who fucking cares really?
I’m not trying to win any essay contest – I just want to tell a lot of people to fuck off; but I figure I have some sort of moral obligation to at least give my fuck yous some context.
(o:
A third thing:
I would really appreciate it if everyone who reads this tries their best to suspend their judgment and have as much faith as they can for believing that I am sincerely a really nice person…
(o:
Also, while I personally have no qualms about cussing, in general – (I am a punk rocker for life) – and I tend to use bad words whenever the mood strikes me:
Please try not to let this get in your way as you read through my story...
...Sometimes these words actually come out of a joyousness: like “fuck yeah” – or surprise: like “oh my fucking god you will never believe this (I don’t fucking believe it)” – etc.
...When I am angry; I often rely pretty heavily on them...
[...Unless I am censoring myself or trying to prove some point like: “Yes, I can demonstrate my anger without using a lot of profanity.” Well – like I already said – fuck that…]
This side of my personality isn’t hiding out while the other side of my personality is pretending to be nice: I am never pretending to be nice; I really am nice.
I only get this way when I am really pissed off and I usually only get really pissed off when people are being mean to me. A lot of people have been being really really really mean to me and therefore I am really really really pissed off.
Tim has probably been the most freaked out – by meeting this side of me (which understandably had been previously dormant) – because he had always behaved so nicely to me (at least to my face) up until May 19, 2011.
Whether or not Tim has consistently earned this respect and trust, which I bestowed upon him, the result is that I was always being genuine when I was nice to him.
Because Tim seemed to always be nice to me – there was no reason for me to get mad at him (like I am now) – so of course he never knew how I get when people deliberately fuck me over.
Once Tim’s unkindness began to feel deliberate: I began to get mad, etc and so on…
Tim may not realize this yet – but he did cause me various moments of speculative doubt in the past – where I could feel my forehead crinkle and my eyebrows raising, so to speak…
I might come back to more of these examples at some point – but for now I just want to say that – for instance – I didn’t call Tim out (or get in his face at all) as I felt a sharp pang of suspicion while I was telling him – in April 2011 – about a trauma I had just suffered during the last week of March...
...I didn’t share the specific details with Tim. I offered to do that somewhere else besides in an e-mail, or talking to him at work – but I said I didn’t want to get into it yet and definitely not there in the store... It was way too complicated!
I might come back to more of these examples at some point – but for now I just want to say that – for instance – I didn’t call Tim out (or get in his face at all) as I felt a sharp pang of suspicion while I was telling him – in April 2011 – about a trauma I had just suffered during the last week of March...
...I didn’t share the specific details with Tim. I offered to do that somewhere else besides in an e-mail, or talking to him at work – but I said I didn’t want to get into it yet and definitely not there in the store... It was way too complicated!
I did however, sort of randomly mention that what had happened to me was especially traumatizing, because it was rather “diabolical – in that I was targeted”…
When I said that – Tim got this weird look on his face which I immediately felt alerted by – and I remember feeling that pause, and that uneasy feeling – and thinking:
“What the fuck was that look for?”
I remember that moment vividly, and given the present circumstances, I feel remorseful for not digging deeper at that time. But in that moment: I had no way of knowing that, that look Tim accidentally let cross his face, was most likely one of pure guilt...
Because – apparently (by then) since late February 2011 at the latest (possibly even earlier; but i will always hope not) – Tim had been targeting me, in his own diabolical scheme...
Tim’s motives for originally doing that may have been (incorrectly) pure in some self-serving aspects, but obviously not in all aspects. Whatever Tim’s motives were – even if some of them were out of a desire to keep me hanging on a little longer – (like until he moved away to Canada, or Boston, which he was already making plans to do, and i already knew about those plans) – or worse – so that I’d just keep quiet and not make any trouble for him if he did just come right out and take the risk of hurting me.
Gee, where’d he ever get an idea like that?
[DUH! YES! Naturally I would not be OK with being lied about and portrayed unjustly and scapegoated!]
The end result is that Tim was totally fucking me over.
I honestly had always been only nice to Tim and I had always done everything with the best of intentions with his best interests in mind…
…Therefore, despite noting that perplexing look in Tim’s eyes – I was so trusting of him – that I thought I must be mistaken – and that it was actually a look of sympathy, rather than guilt-ridden empathy...
...Which still seemed to leave its mark on my psyche...
I think that it was all subconscious at the time – but either way, it occurs to me now – that this was right about the same time that I began imploring Tim with questions like:
“What’s going on with you?” and “Are you being level with me?”
OK – where was I? Oh yeah – people who definitely know me, and people who have never even met me – and everyone in between – yet all of them not seeming to “get me” at all.
I made a really big point of this in Part One – it is my main premise for writing this story out in the first place. That all holds true – very true – for Part Two of this story – but I would like to give it an even greater context now…
Well, I’m going to try – first thought best thought gets clouded when you forget what you wanted to say, because you went off in these other directions, which was sort of the point of why I was saying I was going to try to avoid worrying about constantly clarifying myself, or explaining myself, out of any sense of literary obligation – but it’s a hard habit to break.
If I were actually writing in my journal; I could probably avoid doing this sort of thing much easier. I started to write this in that way – I even have an alternate journal which I am carrying around with me, so that I can write down these particular thoughts as they hit me – and not have to wait until I can get back to the library etc – but I don’t want to rely on writing this story out in that way; because then I have to transcribe it and it becomes twice as much work – at least…
I made a really big point of this in Part One – it is my main premise for writing this story out in the first place. That all holds true – very true – for Part Two of this story – but I would like to give it an even greater context now…
Well, I’m going to try – first thought best thought gets clouded when you forget what you wanted to say, because you went off in these other directions, which was sort of the point of why I was saying I was going to try to avoid worrying about constantly clarifying myself, or explaining myself, out of any sense of literary obligation – but it’s a hard habit to break.
If I were actually writing in my journal; I could probably avoid doing this sort of thing much easier. I started to write this in that way – I even have an alternate journal which I am carrying around with me, so that I can write down these particular thoughts as they hit me – and not have to wait until I can get back to the library etc – but I don’t want to rely on writing this story out in that way; because then I have to transcribe it and it becomes twice as much work – at least…
[I have yet to consult any of my journals, past or present, for writing any part of this story.]
Well, what I think I was wanting to say – is that there is hardly anyone I know at this time – who hasn’t “given me their two cents worth” about my situation with Tim and with New Seasons Market.
There are all these other people – some of them have been totally unsolicited: you don’t get to select who reads your openly published material at the Portland Indy Media website. Furthermore, since they allow anyone to comment and that person can make up any name they want to and remain anonymous if they choose to (I’m still coming back to that point – trust me!) – you really don’t have any control over the – advice and opinions – which get offered to you after you “open publish” your story; it’s a total crapshoot…
Before I digress on this point (as I sense I am about to do) – let me wrap up my other earlier point, which was to acknowledge the probability that I will likely piss off a whole lot of people as I make my way through to the possibly illusory, elusive end of this story…
There are all these other people – some of them have been totally unsolicited: you don’t get to select who reads your openly published material at the Portland Indy Media website. Furthermore, since they allow anyone to comment and that person can make up any name they want to and remain anonymous if they choose to (I’m still coming back to that point – trust me!) – you really don’t have any control over the – advice and opinions – which get offered to you after you “open publish” your story; it’s a total crapshoot…
Before I digress on this point (as I sense I am about to do) – let me wrap up my other earlier point, which was to acknowledge the probability that I will likely piss off a whole lot of people as I make my way through to the possibly illusory, elusive end of this story…
I am not writing this blog to demonstrate how I can be the bigger person who always tries to take the high road and not stoop to the level of the ones who outraged me in the first place – FUCK THAT – rather, I do want to go on record as saying that generally speaking, I am a super nice person, a very sweet girl and – AS LONG AS YOU DON'T FUCK WITH ME – you need never have to deal with this side of my personality – but this side of my personality is very real!
This part of my persona has evolved from years of verbal and physical abuse – from my fucked up parents, my fucked up paternal grandmother, my fucked up extended family in general (I’m not saying they are “100% fucked up with no redeeming qualities whatsoever” – they have good qualities too – but in reference to their various methods of inflicted mistreatment of me – that means nothing – those qualities are irrelevant) and the long list of people who I mistakenly believed were my friends...
Like for instance, when two days after my 16th birthday – in Denver, Colorado – my ex-boyfriend’s best friends, whom I trusted to be my friends – tricked me into going to a party up in the mountains (at Red Rocks in Morrison); only there was no party – they planned to rape me and murder me…*
Or when my children’s father beat me with his fists and then when I dared to come out of the bathroom (where I had locked myself in) – hoping to call the police – he proceeded to terrorize me with a loaded gun…*
...Not so long ago, my mother threw a wine glass at my face – my eyesight and face were saved by my swinging my bedroom door shut just in the nick of time to deflect the glass from shattering in my face. She has threatened to kill me more than once…
When I was 14, my father almost broke my arm while twisting it as hard as he could behind my back and shoving me down the street – several people witnessed this and not one person tried to stop him…
These are just a few among countless instances of past and recent abuse which I have suffered at the hands of my family and from friends whom I thought I could trust…
…Practically every day – at every school I ever attended (as an adolescent) – I was bullied for whatever reasons my schoolmates could think of: whether it was because I supposedly thought that I was so cool because I told the teacher to fuck off (because the teacher deserved it) – or not even about me: like because they found out that my mother was a lesbian (or because I told them my mother was a lesbian) – or something more direct: like when I would tell the truth about everything (including my opinions that they were a bunch of racist sexist homophobic stupid jerks) – or because I was especially beautiful-looking and rather than ridiculously stupid girls being able to deal with their jealousy and other insecurities: they wanted to fuck up my face…
All the names I’ve been called in my life could fill a book or several books. I am willing to bet that there isn’t anyone who reads this – that could think of any cruel or hurtful “name” – that I haven’t already been called – without needing to use a dictionary or a thesaurus…
[*These are my most extreme examples, but they have everything to do with what is happening with me now... People pinning me as a victim and activating their evil mentality against me... I'm not going to wait around (for very long) to see just how far evil people will go: I'm going to fight back at the first sign of them having an evil mentality... I am not running scared of evil; i am defending myself against it... I don't have all the answers; but I believe the first step towards goodness and justice is not to turn a blind eye or to be apathetic in the face of evil and injustice... I want to make a difference for future generations as well as protect myself here and now...]
I am not revealing all these incredibly painful memories to the stupid people who have been fucking me over at New Seasons Market, or on the Internet, because I expect them to actually care.
All the names I’ve been called in my life could fill a book or several books. I am willing to bet that there isn’t anyone who reads this – that could think of any cruel or hurtful “name” – that I haven’t already been called – without needing to use a dictionary or a thesaurus…
[*These are my most extreme examples, but they have everything to do with what is happening with me now... People pinning me as a victim and activating their evil mentality against me... I'm not going to wait around (for very long) to see just how far evil people will go: I'm going to fight back at the first sign of them having an evil mentality... I am not running scared of evil; i am defending myself against it... I don't have all the answers; but I believe the first step towards goodness and justice is not to turn a blind eye or to be apathetic in the face of evil and injustice... I want to make a difference for future generations as well as protect myself here and now...]
I am not revealing all these incredibly painful memories to the stupid people who have been fucking me over at New Seasons Market, or on the Internet, because I expect them to actually care.
I get it: You have no ethics – you have no compassion – you don’t care about me…
...I am spilling my guts like this, because in part: it’s just what I do.
In order to heal, in order to teach, for reasons I maybe don’t yet understand myself...
Most of all, I think – I am sharing all of this personal information – because some random person might read this – and don’t ask me why – (I still haven’t figured this out either) – but I CARE A LOT me: seems to still be very concerned with what most of the world thinks about me… This personal history seems imperative to placing this situation – in which I have been falsely blamed for so much – into the proper context – as to why I would go to such great lengths to demonstrate my innocence.
Something which New Seasons Market actually has put into writing that they do not wish for me to do: To prove my innocence!
So, I guess it is these unknown people whom I am addressing (people who know me, including Tim, already know most of my personal history) – and to whom I want to explain myself when I say this:
I really am a nice person – but there came a point when, if I wanted to survive my life – and not commit suicide, nor go fucking ape-shit crazy and end up in some institution – I felt as if I had to start fighting back.
At the very least, I need to defend myself when physically assaulted; definitely I can use my words to stand up for myself.
I feel as if my life depends on me doing these things...
At the very least, I need to defend myself when physically assaulted; definitely I can use my words to stand up for myself.
I feel as if my life depends on me doing these things...
...So this is where I am coming from.
New Seasons Market not only messed with the wrong anarchist when they fucked me over; they fucked over a girl who has suffered decades of devastation.
When New Seasons Market's customer advocate, Mary Alison Leatart – went so far as to try and slander me (she totally ridiculed me) on the Internet (at the Portland Indy Media site) – at my article, where I was calling them out, for fucking me over on previous occasions... Whether or not that was the last straw for me or if it was something else (there have been some other pretty heavy straws laid down on me even before that – and certainly since)... It certainly plays a major and leading role now – in my pursuit of standing up to New Seasons Market for repeatedly fucking me over – months later and with no end in sight...
[Miguel Rosas-Baker: You will just have to keep waiting your turn... But trust me: I have not forgotten the even LARGER role which you have played. I will be directly addressing you before I finish this story in its entirety. Meanwhile, Miguel: FUCK YOU! SO FUCKING MUCH!]
...Tim breaking my heart – if I wasn’t so strong – what he did to me probably would have killed me.
I almost thought it might – I mean really – how much – can one person take? You hide your heart away for almost half your life – and then you give it to someone just as friends – and WHAM – it still gets smashed up... But he didn't just break my heart; he victimized me and that's so hard for me to handle... There is no counter-argument; what Tim did to me was terrible.
Time may or may not tell (my guardian angels may, or may not, want me to know the truth about Tim) – but it’s quite possible that my consistent defense of Tim – my continuing to believe that he really is a good guy deep down inside, and that he truly never meant to hurt me, like he has – is more a function of my defense mechanisms and survival instincts – rather than the truth about Tim. One thing is perfectly clear: Tim did really do this.
Words are how we try to explain things to each other – but there are no words that can explain how much Tim has hurt me – or all the levels of why I feel so nearly destroyed by his mistreating me in this way ever since May 19 – or discovering that he’d been setting me up long before that (though just how long is unknown to me still).
...This is the part where I always cry…
...Whatever Tim’s motives were: Maybe they don’t really make any difference. Maybe I just need to believe that somehow he never meant to hurt me, and that even though he had to know that what he was saying about me – and letting people think about me: was not right – was not good – was not OK – was not cool... That somehow, Tim started out with a kinder motive.
Perhaps Tim's earliest mistakes began in the way that they did: Because Tim actually does love me and he just isn’t smart enough to have thought of a better way fast enough – to find a way to keep me in his life as his friend (to the extent that he tried to) – and also keep his job – and not blow it all with his girlfriend…
One thing is for sure:
Love can really fuck up your shit.
(RIP Warren Zevon)
To say that love seriously impairs your vision is such an understatement; yet it is a very relevant statement to make.
“Love is blind.”
…Tell me about it; no shitting…
To be continued…
For as long as it takes – or as long as I live – whichever first comes to an end…
Not to sound pessimistic – but all I did was start writing the first sentence – there has to be a first! And I see that I am now on page 14 (at this time in this word document)...
Wow.
Wow.
Maybe Jack Kerouac is looking down on me right now and saying: “You rock, kid.”
story by: kimberly kristin angelique
october - tenth to thirteenth - two thousand eleven
Part Two of Part Two
...My love for Tim was like the flower that springs through the concrete...
...My love for Tim was like the flower that springs through the concrete...
Yeah so this is the part I have been dreading as preluded* to in the beginning of the earlier part of this part of the story.
[* The spelling function for this document tells me I am making this word up; OK, anyhow…]
[* The spelling function for this document tells me I am making this word up; OK, anyhow…]
...At the beginning of Part Two (part one of part two): I said I had been procrastinating writing Part Two because I dreaded writing it. Then I wrote for 20 pages without ever doing this: Summarizing everything that happened on May 19 (which was set into motion towards the unforeseen at the end of last February) 2011…
…And how that came to me spending the following six months and counting, seeking reparations for that ordeal by protesting on my own behalf against CAPITALIST PIGS, stupid mean people in general, and engaging in a one on one battle of wits that I feel completely forced into by somebody I believed was my friend (I still hope I was at least originally right to believe that). It’s not much of a battle since I only have to tell the truth, which I have on my side at all times; but it’s still a huge space hog in my life.
Yet as much as it SUCKS: I’d still go through all of this again, because all I have been doing is standing up for my rights, refusing to be squelched and/or suppressed, making sure – as best as I can (continually) – that I do what I can to tell the truth about things from the perspective that I have – and since I have been falsely accused of things – I am also trying to clear myself of any wrongdoing...
Yet as much as it SUCKS: I’d still go through all of this again, because all I have been doing is standing up for my rights, refusing to be squelched and/or suppressed, making sure – as best as I can (continually) – that I do what I can to tell the truth about things from the perspective that I have – and since I have been falsely accused of things – I am also trying to clear myself of any wrongdoing...
There are all sorts of coinciding, corollary, and evolving attributes to what has happened to me which make what might be an ordinary grievance (feeling unfairly trespassed due to a grave misunderstanding by a business who has so far been happy to take lots of my money) a very complex and seriously fucked-up experience instead.
In Part One – published in September 2011 – I concluded with how I wish to remember things in my friendship with my friend, Tim... Because it was a super special way to remember Tim as my friend and also because following that time – things got really sketchy and it sort of started to suck being his friend... But only at that then present time... Because at all times, then and now, how special our friendship was – when it wasn’t fucked-up – was so special that making it through the less satisfying times seemed to come hand in hand with being friends: You aren’t someone’s friend only when everything is great; you are their friend even when they suck too…
But this early sucking – circa February 20 to May 18 – was minimal in comparison to the really big THIS SUCKS that was coming up on May 19 (and a lot a lot a lot more sucking following that and all the way through the end of July) 2011…
Today is November 8, and I am still angry with the CAPITALIST PIGS (duh) and I am still sad about finding out the hard way, that by just being somebody’s friend and only their friend, that this means there might come a day when your personal feelings and rights don’t matter at all to your friend when it comes to their girlfriend complex…
An anecdote: I keep thinking about how almost every day during the time that I was friends with Tim (2010, 2011) – when I lived with my mother – how I would walk by this particular Martha Wainwright CD which lay for so long on my mother’s cluttered dining room table:
“I know you’re married but I have feelings too…”
That album title really spoke to me (o:
But Tim wasn’t even married!
By the way, I never once told Tim what I always thought – which is that the odds of him being with the same girlfriend five years from now were not good... So, why get so stressed out? Stop and smell the roses... Have you never been mellow? Feel groovy!
By the way, I never once told Tim what I always thought – which is that the odds of him being with the same girlfriend five years from now were not good... So, why get so stressed out? Stop and smell the roses... Have you never been mellow? Feel groovy!
[You Reading This, Be Ready… this is a great poem (by William Stafford) which I am thinking of as I write what I just wrote.]
But that’s not a very optimistic thing to tell anyone in a relationship – and in the past I have been accused of allowing my jaded cynicism to get in the way of my believing in true love* and marriage and lasting relationships etc... One guy I knew (I provided childcare for him and his wife) actually blamed the demise of his marriage on something I randomly said, which was anti-marriage in the presence of his wife (therefore I put ideas about her not needing to be married to be happy into her head)... Though that seems ridiculous to me to this day: I still however try my best not to put a curse on any other “happy couples” by telling them what I really think about contractual relationships when it comes to love…
[* I BELIEVE IN LOVE: It is marriage that I personally reject the concepts of… Love shouldn’t require lawyers, even hypothetically. For one thing: There are many reasons for me to feel opposed to not just promising but actually swearing to God or state my pledge to be in a coupled relationship with anyone, for the rest of my life, no matter what… (And that is why they invented divorce, which is why marriage is a hoax, which is just one more reason why it’s a concept that doesn’t hold up for me). I believe it is possible to have faith that you will always love someone – I have felt this way before about several people – and in some cases I haven’t changed my mind and I still love some of these people to this day, but not necessarily romantically. There is really nobody (well maybe there is one person from a very long time ago in a theoretical sort of way I guess) whom I am still holding on to feelings like that for at this time. Except for Tim, but Tim is present tense so it’s too soon for him to qualify in actuality. Hypothetically, I honestly think that I will always love Tim – and yet there has been no relationship, nor expectation of any future relationship – and therefore certainly no commitment – for me to feel this way about Tim. I just love Tim because I do; not because I promised to... I quite possibly may meet somebody new to me (or reunite with an old flame) someday and love them too. Maybe I will never love anyone else in a romantic way again. What do I know about the future? (What the bleep do we know?!) What does anyone know that is for certain about love. It’s like life itself: the only thing that is constant is change. Sometimes love can survive these inevitable changes and sometimes maybe it just doesn’t… Other times maybe you realize you have simply made a terrible mistake: What the fuck was I thinking?! (o:]
Of course Tim and his totally not cool girlfriend might stay together and build that future together and live out that future together – for Tim’s sake I hope he has better luck than that – but yes, it could happen and no, I wouldn’t want to be the only cause of somebody breaking up with their girlfriend or their wife (there doesn’t seem to be much of a difference anymore anyhow)…
[2013 update: Yeah; they aren't together at this time...]
…That is why I never said anything to Tim about the probability that he might have a totally different future than the one he is imagining for himself at this time (or at any time), and I never even suggested that I would want him to do anything different or make any change in his life because of me announcing that I had fallen in love with him. As a matter of fact I told Tim that exactly: that I didn’t expect that nor want him to think I expected that.
…I never once invited Tim to have sex with me, or offered to have sex with him (with or without any strings or any other cliché you can think of), and I never would have participated with him cheating on his girlfriend… So as long as Tim was in a committed relationship with somebody else, there never would be any sex with me, so why even mention it? We never did – except for me to say that I don’t have it with anyone anymore and I am done with one-night-stands – if that’s somehow coming on to a guy – how does that work exactly?
If I wanted to make Tim – or any guy – mine for at least one night – isn’t it traditionally true that all I really need to do to make that happen is to tell him something such as:
“I like to bake. I give good head.”
(o: I somehow knew this phrase would be useful to me someday and I also assumed that I would say it sardonically; I’ve been saving it for a long time :o)
After a longer time of knowing Tim, I maybe tried once to imply that this didn’t mean I would never want to have sex again – no matter what – perhaps I would want to someday with the right person, under the right circumstances – but no more one night stands…
I couldn’t even see myself in a serious relationship and yet sex would probably somehow be a prerequisite, because what else is there – besides a serious relationship (or no relationships) if you don’t want to have any more one night stands?
(o: My reason for making this implication was just so that Tim knew that if he were free to be with me in that way – then yeah – it was at least conceivable that he might could get lucky with me :o)
Sex is something which Tim and I never really talked about. We talked about a lot of other things, but as far as sex – that was always just unspoken thoughts – whatever they were for either of us. (Though our chemistry was self-evident...)
I liked Tim as a friend. I love Tim in a way which for me is an eternal unconditional love. Being just friends doesn’t contradict these stronger feelings for me…
…However, being totally lied about and screwed over certainly isn’t making my feelings for Tim any stronger than they are…
…Because of how strong my love was before I found out that Tim could be such a jerk – I am still trying to remain loyal to the freely given vows that come with my being somebody’s good friend from day one…
Whether or not Tim sees it this way at this time – (from my end) he is super lucky to have been blessed with as good a friend as I tried to be to him and still want to be to him. I am super special and there is nobody else like me…
I take being a good friend very seriously.
If I ever am to be anyone’s girlfriend, I want to be an awesome girlfriend… the most awesome girlfriend…
I take being a good friend very seriously.
If I ever am to be anyone’s girlfriend, I want to be an awesome girlfriend… the most awesome girlfriend…
…I don’t however want to be anybody’s doormat – so when Tim didn’t take the nearly 6 weeks I gave him to make things right on his own, in any way which he wanted to choose to do – he left me feeling like it was all up to me.
For all those weeks, and at one point in particular on one day, June 6 – I tried to put my loyalty to Tim and our friendship above my own feelings of being treated unfairly and unjustly – not cool – not good – not right – all these feelings aside – and as much as my heart was breaking from knowing that Tim could be such a jerk to me – I earnestly tried to somehow let it go – even with me being and feeling screwed over by Tim, and Tim's girlfriend, and his workplace (who had been taking my money for years)*...
...Therefore, as interlinked as New Seasons Market is, to my friendship with Tim – as their longtime customer – they are in many ways, a whole separate issue for me!…
...Therefore, as interlinked as New Seasons Market is, to my friendship with Tim – as their longtime customer – they are in many ways, a whole separate issue for me!…
[* In my eventual summary I will restate that incident and the subsequent ones which followed it]
… But that just isn’t the way things have worked out. I think the big picture is that it’s because the truth has been (and had been) needing to come out. As for my conceding to letting Tim choose to make a huge mistake in how he wanted to handle this situation; I guess that just wasn’t meant to be either...
There are plenty of other explanations too of course; but none of them is as important as telling the truth is. Tim perpetuating his lies wasn’t what was right for either of us. I wish Tim could have seen that from the beginning, I wish he would have acted on it in the best, most honest way that he could think to do (I offered to help!); I wish at least as much as Tim does that:
“...It didn’t have to end this way….”
It has been super hard for me (in the light of all this hindsight) to realize that Tim had been misleading others about our friendship for so much longer than I originally suspected, and how by my not knowing that: I was always “putting nails in my coffin” when I would say this or that to some of the people he was presumably misleading…
I would often try to downplay our friendship out of concern for Tim either getting in trouble at work – by talking to me so much if I wasn’t just being his customer – and especially so that nobody who knew Tim well enough to know he had a girlfriend, would think that there was anything sneaky going on between us (because there wasn’t). I could see how from an outsider’s perspective that our friendship might be raising some eyebrows. I didn’t really care so much for myself; while I would want people to know I would never let anyone cheat on their girlfriend (or boyfriend) with me – mostly I just didn’t want people misjudging Tim.
I thought it would be helpful to Tim if I demonstrated to others that I understood that he and I were just friends.
Sometimes I played down the friendship as well (o: like I just was saying and am now repeating :o) to hopefully make things less weird for Tim at work…
I thought it would be helpful to Tim if I demonstrated to others that I understood that he and I were just friends.
Sometimes I played down the friendship as well (o: like I just was saying and am now repeating :o) to hopefully make things less weird for Tim at work…
…I didn’t know what Tim was saying about me – in his own efforts to do the same thing – so I can see NOW but not then, how his co-workers might could be forgiven to some extent for misjudging me back then, if they were judging me at all. What I can’t help but be pissed off about NOW is if any of them are still doing that. I have tried to tell everyone the truth, the best that I can: given that I was obviously forbidden from returning to the store so that I could ever do that (DUH!)…
This sucks! I liked you people. You acted friendly to me – and you know and I know that you made it seem to appear that you actually liked me – so what the fuck is wrong with all you people?
To whom it may concern: YOU SUCK!
This is really hard for me, can you tell?
~ February 20, 2011: Tim had just returned from his trip to Africa (Dakar/Senegal) via NYC – it was his first night back at work – I didn’t expect him to be back for another day – I knew he could be back sooner, but I was guessing it would be the next day. The relevance of this statement is that I didn’t go to New Seasons Market that night to see Tim! I went there like I went there almost every day – to get some groceries and to get something to eat and drink…
As soon as I passed by Zoe (upon entering the store), she shouted out to me that Tim was back and pointed to him. I wished Zoe wouldn’t do things like that. I was already planning to say something much more specific to her – about not drawing so much attention (please) – to Tim and I, whenever I come in and talk to him.
...Too late for that – and as a result of that kind of thinking – another nail in my coffin…
My heart skipped. Shit for Zoe announcing that so loud.
As soon as I passed by Zoe (upon entering the store), she shouted out to me that Tim was back and pointed to him. I wished Zoe wouldn’t do things like that. I was already planning to say something much more specific to her – about not drawing so much attention (please) – to Tim and I, whenever I come in and talk to him.
...Too late for that – and as a result of that kind of thinking – another nail in my coffin…
My heart skipped. Shit for Zoe announcing that so loud.
Yay that I was about to see Tim! The last time I had seen him (it had been two weeks ago, at that time) was the very best time that I had ever seen him; I was nervous and also excited... I wasn't necessarily filled with anticipation in that exact moment, however, because I wasn't expecting to see him yet!
Tim smiled when he saw me – and for the duration of time which we spoke – it was all good. It wasn’t weird; nothing seemed to have happened to cause Tim to treat me any differently. If Tim did regret embracing me the night before he departed on his trip, it didn’t show at all. We talked gaily and freely, but it was also busy enough (in the store, and he was working, and it was his first night back since his vacation) that it wasn’t going to be an ideal time for Tim to tell me all about such a momentous event as traveling to Africa – or even his first time to NYC – so right away we arranged that he would write me all about it in an e-mail later.
Something weird did happen though...
Tim’s girlfriend showed up. She stood near us, but didn’t really speak to Tim. (At least this is how I remember that moment). She was terribly sunburned and I almost didn’t recognize her. (She looked kind of scary...) The other reason that I almost didn’t notice her at all at that time, is because Tim didn’t do his usual thing of pretending not to act nervous about our both being there at the same time.
Tim’s girlfriend showed up. She stood near us, but didn’t really speak to Tim. (At least this is how I remember that moment). She was terribly sunburned and I almost didn’t recognize her. (She looked kind of scary...) The other reason that I almost didn’t notice her at all at that time, is because Tim didn’t do his usual thing of pretending not to act nervous about our both being there at the same time.
I have never directly asked Tim about this suspicion I often had had before – but I had previously noted that Tim supposedly having told his girlfriend – “all about me” – never really seemed to add up with his not once introducing us – (I didn’t even know her name) – even when we stood right next to each other – when she would walk up and question him about something while he and I were talking… This happened a few times... One time I walked right up while they were talking, same thing, no introduction and no hint of recognition on the part of either of them as for what my connection to Tim was…
Yet on that night: totally different vibe.
Yet on that night: totally different vibe.
Tim was so relaxed in talking to me even after noting his girlfriend’s arrival. Therefore, I wondered (seriously I really did) if his girlfriend had already left… I looked around and no – she was right there – looking directly at us – and talking to some of Tim’s co-workers – and they were looking at us too…
I immediately felt a sinking feeling, right in my gut.
Undeniably: the shit is hitting the fan…
Undeniably: the shit is hitting the fan…
Sure enough, later that night Tim wrote me a somewhat distraught e-mail – telling me how after he had finished his shift at work – that he had been talked to by his bosses – about me…
My first reaction – before I read any further – was: Oh no, Tim is going to break my heart by the end of this letter… But the other thought was – that whatever he had to say – it couldn’t possibly be just a coincidence – that I’d seen Tim's girlfriend talking to people with whom he worked – while they all took turns looking at Tim and I while we talked!
Yet somehow – I got to the end of that letter from Tim, with him making me feel like he cared about me more than he had ever let on before – and wondering if it really might be just a coincidence that this was happening the same night I had that very strong bad vibe from his girlfriend…
For one thing, some of the explanations that Tim gave me made sense: Duh in some cases; a lot of it was stuff which I was surprised that nobody had hassled either of us about before…
In Part One of this story, I pointed out that I was the first person of all of us to express concern about the length of the conversations that Tim and I would have while he was working, but that he always said it was OK and that I needn't worry…
In Part One of this story, I pointed out that I was the first person of all of us to express concern about the length of the conversations that Tim and I would have while he was working, but that he always said it was OK and that I needn't worry…
…On the other hand: there were certain things that had happened in Tim's absence, while he was on his trip... For instance, during that time – I had at least one lengthy conversation with each Adam and Zoe (but they were doing at least as much talking as I was!)….
…I was also concerned with and worrying about the stuff that Zoe had said out loud in front of others about my friendship with Tim*...
...But I think the biggest reason of all, not to take everything that Tim was saying as not being the whole truth – was because that could only mean that he was not being completely truthful – and I really trusted Tim at that point...
...But I think the biggest reason of all, not to take everything that Tim was saying as not being the whole truth – was because that could only mean that he was not being completely truthful – and I really trusted Tim at that point...
[* I hadn’t really been able to warn Tim about what had happened with Zoe yet; though I had JUST WRITTEN HIM to try and say something about it! ...Also how I hoped that he knew, that I knew, that he couldn’t consistently keep talking to me as long as he had been lately...
That I WAS WORRIED about how we had better cool it! Honestly, I was already nervous about this, which is one part of why his girlfriend had made me extra nervous: Tim and I didn’t need any more of a managerial spotlight on our interactions…
Tim's girlfriend's misinterpretation (or at least whatever discrepancies she may have felt alerted to between what Tim was telling her about me and the truth about his friendship with me) was actually secondary to my concern regarding her involving his co-workers in any way...]
)o:
Alas…
Tim was not being completely truthful – not at all – and I did not know that and therefore I gullibly took him at his word about everything he told me in that letter: The fact that Tim appeared to be sticking up for me with his management and because he seemed to be demonstrating that he did in fact wish to still be friends with me, despite running into this hassle at work, and he did want to continue corresponding with me...
...I suddenly loved Tim even more than I had before, which by now, so soon after February 3 especially, was so much already.
...I suddenly loved Tim even more than I had before, which by now, so soon after February 3 especially, was so much already.
…That hasn’t changed; I still see that Tim could have chosen to cut things off right then and he chose not to! So I still love Tim that much more than I had before then, which was still a lot, but is even more now…
What sucks maybe the most is that: by his not being completely truthful with me then – Tim didn’t properly arm me for what people would be thinking about me – or how I could now be way more easily misjudged – or how when I would defend Tim against other people's speculations – I would look more and more like a bigger and BIGGER chump…
)o:
It also sucks that I played along like I did – for a lot of reasons – but especially because I don’t like to pretend things. If there’s a way to be out in the open about things, this is always my preference. I was always very honest with Tim and I never faked things with his co-workers. I maybe defended Tim, or tried to divert attention away from his pushing any boundaries with his work routine... But I never pretended that I didn’t like Tim a lot, or think of him as my true friend, or even hide my stronger feelings – that I am no good at – I wear my heart on my sleeve... All of these things: somehow make me feel a whole lot worse about this situation. Knowing that, nobody ever once said anything to me or asked me what I knew or believed… If anyone actually was dumb enough to believe the untruthful things said about me, then why did nobody ever tell me anything or ask me anything…
Etc…
[However, in full disclosure: I was putting on a performance along with Tim and I don’t intend to be hypocritical by complaining that in doing so I was an unwitting accomplice to this all backfiring (But only BEFORE I bravely came forward and tried to put an end to all these lies!) For my part, I was only pretending at things to mock corporate policies (per Tim's deliberately deceptive statements about what the issue actually was! Since I didn't know he was regrettably lying; I couldn't know how this would all soon backfire...) and yet to simultaneously keep Tim from getting into any trouble for any nonchalance towards these policies… I tried to be as open as I could be, under the circumstances, with Tim’s co-workers about my friendship with Tim. Out of everyone involved in this situation in any way; I think I have been the most consistently honest and most honest in general…]
Well, though all of these details bother me to various extents – the one which is perhaps the most baffling – is that if what Tim was saying to everyone he worked with – had been at all true – then why would everyone just let it go for so long? Why – all of a sudden on May 19 – was I being accused of some non-specific and yet trespassable offense – without any prior warning: nor was I given a chance to defend myself – nor to demonstrate my ability to comply (had I been given any terms to which I would need to agree to) – ???
I am not saying that I would ever let anyone tell me what to do; I am just saying I wasn’t even given a chance or a choice in the matter…
To this day: NONE of that adds up! However – it is especially inconceivable to me that once the truth was put out there about Tim’s being untruthful to me (and it seems to me, untruthful to many others as well) – now that I have this awareness and I myself am telling the truth about everything from my side of things – that nobody at New Seasons Market has even displayed a glimpse of doubt!
How can their management not at least consider that a mistake has been made? ...And that I might actually be telling the truth? ...In which case they are presently handling – and have handled thus far – this whole situation terribly?
[OR: Did they seek to prevent me from "proving my innocence" because they did have doubts about Tim's version of the truth and did consider that I might be truthful but from their misguided "business model" perspective; who cares if I'm telling the truth or not – they just wanted to get rid of me to avoid any further hassle... Food for thought! But if that's true (as I suspect it is) then what a bunch of idiots to think that I would go along with that strategy!]
How can their management not at least consider that a mistake has been made? ...And that I might actually be telling the truth? ...In which case they are presently handling – and have handled thus far – this whole situation terribly?
[OR: Did they seek to prevent me from "proving my innocence" because they did have doubts about Tim's version of the truth and did consider that I might be truthful but from their misguided "business model" perspective; who cares if I'm telling the truth or not – they just wanted to get rid of me to avoid any further hassle... Food for thought! But if that's true (as I suspect it is) then what a bunch of idiots to think that I would go along with that strategy!]
If anyone else in my situation – whether they think anything like this could ever possibly happen to them or not (that isn’t the point) – were to react to this happening to them by just ignoring it or by apathetically letting New Seasons Market fuck them over – I would not understand that at all. I would respect their choice to take such a Zen like attitude, but it would disappoint me, philosophically.
I think it is important for individuals to stand up for themselves even if it’s a seven nation army against an army of one… Local businesses or global rapists – if each is in it for capitalism – then they might just be wolves in sheep’s clothing…
That is what New Seasons Market has become to me; a costumed wolf.
The friendliest store in town?
NOT!
For me it is important to stand up to New Seasons Market – no matter what they try to spook me with – including but not limited to trying to publicly embarrass me…
I'm still standing!
...Of course I have no desire to ever be their customer again – are you fucking kidding me? I would now never return to New Seasons Market as a customer – but that is not the point. The point is that they made big mistakes which have caused me anguish and suffering (ETC) while I was a customer at their store – and then subsequently as a protester protesting their mistreatment of me while I had been a customer at their store…
The point is: New Seasons Market has been acting – and still are acting – like total corporate assholes – while continuing to logo themselves as “the friendliest store in town” and for me – they are the most unfriendly store in any town that I have ever had to deal with in all of my life…
During my FREE SPEECH choice to protest New Seasons Market for my own personal reasons – I have come to learn a great deal more about how much New Seasons Market sucks in so many other ways... Therefore, additionally, I am protesting their hypocrisy on behalf of these other negative factors, as well as my own personal grievances against New Seasons Market...
I have a right to do this! After what New Seasons Market has put me through I feel no guilt whatsoever for causing them any grief or stress – YAY YAY YAY – for as much grief and stress as I can possibly cause them. I may need to take some breaks etc – I will even move away from Oregon very soon for at least a while – but there is a very good chance – better than not – that I will never ever give up on protesting against New Seasons Market.
As long as New Seasons Market continues to conduct BUSINESS AS USUAL – I will keep wanting to put them out of business...
Whether they self-implode and/or are brought down by public pressure – whichever comes first…
...After what New Seasons Market has personally put me through – I feel positively OBLIGATED to stand up to them…
Just because I hate New Seasons Market for all of these reasons – and wish them a whole lotta ILL for all of these reasons – it doesn’t mean I don’t think they still owe me an apology (o:
So – I may or may not ever summarize this chronologically and with consistently full detail (insofar as one ever would in a summary) – but I am really trying to stay on path:
When Tim wrote to tell me that he had been spoken to about talking with me as much as he did while he was working – and that he wouldn’t be able to do that anymore (but that we could still talk a little right before, during, and after any transaction taking place between us) – and that gifts and stuff could no longer be exchanged between us in this manner either – because that might look weird (that's what he said)...
...Instead of me counting red herrings – throughout everything which Tim wrote to me in that letter – all I heard – all I really took to heart was this understanding of the situation:
We shouldn't talk as much as we used to; we ought to make things appear as though we aren’t talking much at all – but after doing this for a while – it shall probably all blow over and eventually people shall stop paying attention to us – and then we can go back to the way we were before (cautiously of course) and meanwhile (since we can’t talk as much at this time) we will keep writing each other…
...Instead of me counting red herrings – throughout everything which Tim wrote to me in that letter – all I heard – all I really took to heart was this understanding of the situation:
We shouldn't talk as much as we used to; we ought to make things appear as though we aren’t talking much at all – but after doing this for a while – it shall probably all blow over and eventually people shall stop paying attention to us – and then we can go back to the way we were before (cautiously of course) and meanwhile (since we can’t talk as much at this time) we will keep writing each other…
I never once questioned whether or not Tim wanted to continue his friendship with me – from anything which he wrote to me. Truthfully incomplete or not – everything Tim wrote to me in his letter – convinced me that indeed he did think of me as his friend (Tim said we were friends in that letter! Tim even made the point of saying, how once a customer crosses over to becoming a friend, that then the employee can’t be hanging out to talk with that friend like when the friend was just a customer – and how he guessed that made sense)...
...When I concluded these things, I wrote Tim back and went even further than he did and told him this: I told Tim that I had so much faith in our friendship – that as much as I loved seeing him and talking to him as often as I usually did – that I would know we were still friends and that our friendship was still special even if we didn’t see each other or talk to each other so much (and I think I mentioned that it meant a lot to me that we would still write each other, but even that didn’t have to be constant for me to remain faithful in our friendship!) I told Tim that I would gladly avoid even coming to the store for a few days to begin with and then could continue to come in less often following that... The point in me doing this, was that presumably there’d be less scrutiny of Tim's work performance (and associating with friends while working) – if I simply wasn’t there very much anymore…
...When I concluded these things, I wrote Tim back and went even further than he did and told him this: I told Tim that I had so much faith in our friendship – that as much as I loved seeing him and talking to him as often as I usually did – that I would know we were still friends and that our friendship was still special even if we didn’t see each other or talk to each other so much (and I think I mentioned that it meant a lot to me that we would still write each other, but even that didn’t have to be constant for me to remain faithful in our friendship!) I told Tim that I would gladly avoid even coming to the store for a few days to begin with and then could continue to come in less often following that... The point in me doing this, was that presumably there’d be less scrutiny of Tim's work performance (and associating with friends while working) – if I simply wasn’t there very much anymore…
Well – check – this – out: YES I really did say all that to Tim and Tim wrote me back and said that wasn’t necessary... Tim actually encouraged me to keep coming in as often as I wanted to (and no, not duh, because the point of discussing that option was clearly to make things easier for Tim) but that we simply needed to curtail our interactions accordingly...
This is part of why I am so confused by the way this “ended”!
But wait there’s more…
Following my telling Tim that I would do just about anything for him to help him in any way etc – I went on to tell him an up-to-date full-story of my varying feelings for him including how much I truly loved him. I made a point of stating that I knew his situation hadn’t changed and that I understood that he felt that he wasn’t “free” to return my feelings (even if he did love me too) – I wasn’t telling him how much I loved him with the expectation of changing his life in any way, and in fact I was worried that by telling him just how much I love him that I was possibly risking wrecking our friendship and I certainly didn’t want to do that.
I reminded Tim that before I met him that I was both content and intent with being independent and solo, not seeking any kind of a relationship with anyone – so that even though I did have these feelings for him and I really loved him – I wouldn’t start being sad now when I had been perfectly happy* before; that this didn’t have to change just because I fell in love with someone who it wasn’t realistic for me to have a full-on relationship with…
[* Relatively speaking; my life is always fucking complicated and way too tumultuous to be truly perfectly happy; but it was as good as it was going to be for the time being...]
[* Relatively speaking; my life is always fucking complicated and way too tumultuous to be truly perfectly happy; but it was as good as it was going to be for the time being...]
In other words – it wasn’t realistic for me to have a full-on relationship with anybody! Before I met Tim that is how it was – during knowing him that is how it still was – why thwart a great friendship because of some abstract hang-up about what might never be when instead I could be grateful and joyful for the friendship that was more than possible; which was actually happening…
Would not this have been a good time for Tim to tell me that “we weren’t really friends” – if that is how he ever felt – let alone always felt?
I think so.
Instead, Tim wrote me back to tell me that I shouldn’t stop coming to the store, we just needed to play it cool when I did. As for what I told Tim about my feelings for him growing stronger – he explained how complicated his life was, how overtime he was losing certain lifelong friendships due to having so little available time for keeping them going – and that perhaps his emotions were likely all tied up with these other people in his life – and so I was right to understand that he wasn’t free to reciprocate the strength of my feelings for him. He listed all these great qualities which I possess – how awesome I am – and that whether or not I wanted to be a loner – that I would hopefully take – from this experience with him – the knowledge that such a thing is possible for me – should I ever want that with someone else…
Tim informed me that he had just gotten back from Salem and hadn’t seen my e-mail right away so he was just then reading it – and that it was a lot to take in – but that essentially everything was going to be fine… Let’s just try to alter appearances when I come into the store etc...
Tim concluded that e-mail by telling me that he would write me later to tell me all about his trip to Africa (which he did)...
Tim concluded that e-mail by telling me that he would write me later to tell me all about his trip to Africa (which he did)...
...When I next saw Tim at work – it was fine – except that I was feeling a little flustered that he might have misconstrued some of what I wrote even though I had tried to be very articulate... Telling Tim that the various possible reasons for me liking him so much were actually all REJECTED ideas about my own observations (as well as those of other people in my life) – and that I actually knew exactly why I was in love with him – because I just was attuned to how there was something between us which could not be denied – there wasn’t any arbitrary reason – it was just meant to be – and so it was, so it is…
Tim said he’d be sure to read my e-mail again (o:
Tim later told me that he had re-read my e-mail (and presumably he better understood what I had tried to explain to him)…
But backing up to me telling Tim that he maybe had misunderstood that entire passage I’d written: I also told him (again) how I know what is possible for me! I know what’s possible for me; it’s Tim that was supposedly not possible* – I didn’t think I would ever feel this way about anyone – especially not after all the other stuff I had been through in previous romantic experiences…
I didn’t want anyone, need anyone or even want to consider the possibility of ever changing my mind about that – why reconsider when:
I liked not being in a relationship so much more than I had ever liked being in one?
I liked not being in a relationship so much more than I had ever liked being in one?
It was a most awesome day when I had long ago made this discovery in my youth:
You mean, I DON'T HAVE TO have a husband, nor even a boyfriend, nor any significant other? That's seriously OK? Yippee!
The fluke wasn’t that I could have such strong and romantic feelings for somebody after all – but that it had happened seemingly totally accidentally with so many odds stacked against it – it had happened all by itself just by us meeting – and that seemed rather significant to me – that’s all!You mean, I DON'T HAVE TO have a husband, nor even a boyfriend, nor any significant other? That's seriously OK? Yippee!
...It was a very cool thing to happen – it didn’t have to be more to be cooler; it didn’t need to be transferred to some future other person so I could see it all the way through…
It was special what Tim and I had, even if from a certain perspective we would never have it all – that there was the possibility of having ever been anything to have in the first place – that was significant all by itself!
…Obviously this is all just hypothetical: but I am super-focused on my writing project (that’s a good thing) and yet I also have a lot of not so good stress causing things going on in my life... Most importantly I am always transitioning from this or that to that or this and I guess I’d worry that I might impede or hinder Tim’s evolution in some way if we tried to stick together by being in the same place all the time since I rarely stay in the same place for very long etc – therefore since I doubted it would be best for either of us to feel obligated in any way to always be around each other – there was no point for me in visualizing a relationship with Tim in any way of willing it to happen – IF it were to happen it would have to be a natural destiny sort of thing…
…It never once felt right to me, for the benefit of either of us, for a variety of reasons: that Tim and I should ever plan a future together. So since I never imagined us having a future together that involved being with each other consistently – it felt wrong to put any creative energy into making that happen – but I also didn't want to prevent it from happening if it was in fact destined to be... So as a compromise (o: you have to get inside my head and that is challenging to do :o) I decided – hey – if I tell Tim the truth – that I don’t desire or expect any of those things: then he’ll know that and he won’t inadvertently mess up anything in his life on my account because I neglected to tell him that; yet I will tell him – that I do truly honestly love him – because it is important that he know that too in case it does make any difference to him even if that difference is just the pleasant feeling of knowing there is someone else who loves him – and since that girl is me – and I am super-awesome and I know that I am lovable – I think Tim should know… Which brings me back to all kinds of things I have already said: but maybe also helps to give those things some additional context…]
…That’s what I was thinking (all this stuff!) when I spoke to Tim about feeling misunderstood… We concluded that conversation of ours with me saying:
“I don’t want to talk about feelings anymore. Let’s not talk about them…for at least…six months.”
Tim agreed to that, we smiled, and that was that. I thought so at the time anyhow. I really did…
Well – there’s more to say about the first few weeks following that new twist in our interaction – Tim and I making things appear a certain way – those first few weeks would have been the last week of February and the beginning of March...
One thing I remember is – well two things… One is me telling Pedro (not knowing how this must have sounded not knowing what I didn’t know, ha…) when he commented that he didn’t think I was interested in talking to him anymore, that I only wanted to talk to Tim – (whatever) – and I gullibly and yet loyally replied, “Oh, Tim is just really polite and a good listener.”
…I especially remember the timing of this – it happened rather quickly after Tim’s presentation of what had taken place that night he came to discuss me with his management – because I was rightfully thinking that there was probably a lot of truth to Tim’s mentioning to me that Adam and Zoe had been talked to as well (because I had taken everything he said at face value I had offered my own concerns about at least two conversations I had had with them while he was out of town): I told Zoe, it sucks feeling like I can’t talk to you guys anymore except for like 30 seconds… Zoe replied “Is that what you were told?” I stated that it had been suggested to me as a guideline and I looked at Tim when I said that…
I didn’t know how me saying that must’ve looked or sounded! I thought I was helping everyone out, not helping to confirm some untruthful version of things that Tim had been planting in everyone’s minds…
I do however want to point out what might not be as obvious as it ought to be (o: NOBODY tells me what to do or what not to do and then I just do it or not do it – I always think for myself. New Seasons Market could have warned me or threatened me with trespassing – any of those things – long beforehand – and so fucking what – I’d do whatever I felt was right and that might include saying to them that I didn’t want to shop there anymore! DUH!
The point (one of them) of my having called them out for never warning me or bringing it to my attention that I was causing any problems – is merely that it is true that they did not ever once do that whatsoever! It isn’t to suggest that I would have taken orders from anyone. That is why I wasn’t scared or even worried, for myself, that Tim was telling me how they told him they might want to talk to me but he didn’t know what that meant, or that he didn’t want me to get 86’d or anything stupid or extreme like that – I’m quoting Tim here – he said those things.
My reaction was that I wasn’t doing anything wrong so fuck them – who cares anyway – but that’s because Tim wasn’t confiding the full version of things to me! In my mind – I was only hearing how Tim felt worried about his getting in trouble at work and maybe even losing his job – and I obviously didn’t want to be the cause of that – and how sweet of him to not just tell me to leave him alone out of that fear but instead to tell me how he thought we could handle it so that it wasn’t a concern for him any longer but that we could still continue our friendship as long as we could do it without him getting into any trouble!
My reaction was that I wasn’t doing anything wrong so fuck them – who cares anyway – but that’s because Tim wasn’t confiding the full version of things to me! In my mind – I was only hearing how Tim felt worried about his getting in trouble at work and maybe even losing his job – and I obviously didn’t want to be the cause of that – and how sweet of him to not just tell me to leave him alone out of that fear but instead to tell me how he thought we could handle it so that it wasn’t a concern for him any longer but that we could still continue our friendship as long as we could do it without him getting into any trouble!
So my willingness to fake appearances was in no way for my own sake – yes I cared very much about my friendship with Tim and would make all reasonable efforts on its behalf – but as I told Tim in my immediate reply (even if he didn’t see it immediately because he went to Salem) I would even just not come into the store for awhile nor as often as before when I did (there certainly are other places I could “shop and dine”) – our friendship was important to me, more important than coming to see him, was just feeling it in my heart, it existed for me even when we were apart. I would miss seeing Tim so much but it was a worthwhile effort if it gave him some peace of mind as far as his job security was concerned!
Yet – TIM WROTE ME BACK AND SAID I SHOULDN”T STOP COMING INTO THE STORE – it wasn’t that grave of a situation – our tailoring our interactions should suffice…
Good grief…
I think this is an all-important fact – can I please get at least one witness to this being a profound factor in the sequence of these events?!
…Where was I? Oh yeah – well regardless of how awkward it was for me to have to keep up these pretenses when Tim and I publicly interacted for those first few following weeks – it was all pretty much overshadowed by a completely separate event in my life that took place in late March.
…It is a really personal story – and while this story here is all the evidence you need to see how forthcoming and completely open I am – I do have some boundaries actually and I feel the need to observe these at this time – what happened to me in particular is irrelevant and furthermore it involves a long history of family dysfunction and other people’s lives etc – and there is not enough of a need for me to reveal the details of this particular event for the purpose of telling this story – all I think it is important for me to mention now is that something very terrible, very traumatic and rather life-changing (not in a good way either) happened to me in late March and it was so personally devastating that I used it as a stepping stone to end several depleting and detrimental relationships in my life…
[Tim knows a lot about me and my life – but it is not so much in comparison to all there is to know – I told him this. It wasn’t a secret that there was a lot of heavy stuff that Tim didn’t know about me and as long as we were just friends in the way that we were and limited to in-store conversations and e-mails, this stuff would remain secret because his workplace was a terrible place for me to discuss these things…]
I could never tell Tim about this particular event or its depressing back-story – in person – without crying, possibly even without sobbing… An e-mail felt way too impersonal and awkward etc… if I was going to ever tell Tim about these things – as much as I wanted to, as important as it sometimes felt to do so – it needed to be in a different setting.
…I should point out that I passed Tim a hand-written letter during his break, around this same time, which was my earnest attempt to clue him to some extent about my having just suffered a tragedy…
Of course, it’s OK not to tell someone everything about yourself :o)
…The point is that I did at least tell Tim that there was plenty I hadn’t told him yet and that now there was something else – something which had just happened – and so if I seemed different, if my smile was out of place, he should know that it was unrelated to our friendship and its current challenges as we made things appear differently for the sake of his job security… Etc and so on…
I was not well – not emotionally – not at all – I really was going through something terrible.
It would be remiss of me to not say that I truly wished that Tim and I were closer friends and that he could be the kind of friend that I needed right then to lean on, to help me feel less sad while I recovered from this trauma.
I didn’t value my friendship with Tim any less than before – but I did have a pretty good reality check around this time… This was a good wake-up call for me – to realize that under the present circumstances – Tim wasn’t somebody I could actually count on in any time of real need.
As much as I cherished our friendship – it clearly had its limits to what Tim and I could offer each other. Maybe I would do almost anything for Tim, but I didn’t feel that this was a favor he could reciprocate.
Not that I wanted to burden Tim with my problems or family drama, just that when I was in the hospital and could only make local calls... I was wishing I could call Tim so much and tell him: Hey, I am in the hospital… Hey, something very terrible just happened to me…
)o:
I didn’t have Tim’s private number – calling him at work wouldn’t have been a good idea to begin with, but this was happening on his day off so I couldn’t have reached him that way anyhow – and obviously it would not be cool (more than ever) to try getting a message to Tim somehow through his work.
When I was feeling all alone and helpless in the hospital and I couldn’t call the person I had been thinking of as my best friend – I finally realized that Tim wasn’t really any kind of a real life friend after all…
[I never got to specifically tell Tim that; but in a way it didn’t change anything… I had already assured Tim that our friendship was special in its own right… The only thing that actually changed in any way; was my own understanding of what it would mean at times like this for Tim and I to carry out our unconventional and nontraditional friendship… That Tim wouldn’t be someone I could count on to help me if I needed help. I even made a point of acknowledging that I understood this in that letter I presented to Tim; so that he didn’t freak out by thinking I somehow expected him to somehow be helpful. Tim never really gave me any feedback about any of this either – which saddened me too – but in hindsight, I can see why Tim probably felt that he couldn’t… What I was alluding to having happened – its being “diabolical in that I was targeted” – probably sounded to Tim, a lot like what he had unintentionally (I hope it was unintentionally, I’m still having faith in that) set into motion himself which might also someday soon blow up in our faces and hurt me emotionally, very much…]
It hadn’t been a problem up until then – the nature of my friendship with Tim actually had been suiting my needs very well…
Since I prefer to be alone most of the time versus being not alone, since I was too busy for sustaining the demands of a traditional friendship (because I always try to be the best friend that I can be, too) and since anything beyond the time we spent with each other (when I came to the store and Tim would talk to me for as long as he was able to) would have imposed on my free time which was very precious to me – since we had seemed to develop this cool teamwork thing when I would visit him and we did talk a lot about so many things and it was so stimulating and wonderful at times… Etc and so on…
I can’t overstate how much JOY being friends with Tim gave to me – and I really mean it when I say that it was plenty good – what we shared…
But there was this one time when a great misfortune led to my being hospitalized overnight – and the days which followed that experience were very sad days for me – and that’s when I discovered that there now was a time and maybe there could be again – when I did wish for more from Tim – when I wished I could call him and reach out to him when I needed him to really be a friend to me for real now – not in some game we were playing, or play we were acting out etc – but for real, in real life, in a real moment like that one…
Between those thought provoking seeds of considering our friendship from a different perspective than I’d previously had – and the growing feeling that Tim was suddenly faking it with me, in that he would be super sweet and friendly like always – when we were alone – but kind of aloof and seemingly not perfectly honest with me when others were around.
At this time, I started to feel a growing dissatisfaction with my friendship with Tim. I still wanted to be friends; I still loved him very much.
…I was very confused trying to assimilate how close I felt to Tim when he held me in his arms right before his trip, on February 3 – and how distant we were becoming ever since I turned around the night he got back from his trip and I saw his girlfriend (and his co-workers) looking right at us (and appearing to be discussing us) – which was followed by Tim’s semi-frantic e-mail about his being scrutinized by his bosses now… Then throughout all of our joint efforts to fake appearances – in an effort to deflect that scrutiny – it was feeling as though Tim was pulling away from me…
And as I just stated – the timing especially sucked – because it was happening at a time when other personal crises were exploding in my life as well and I so wished that he was the kind of true friend for me that I pledged to be to him.
…That’s what you sometimes get when you ask for nothing in return; in return you sometimes get nothing…
…Whenever I would ask Tim if everything was OK with him, with us, if there was anything he wasn’t telling me or which he was wanting to tell me, etc – Tim would respond by telling me things which either denied that anything at all was wrong or which encouraged me to believe that everything was fine – at least as far as our friendship was concerned…
It was a confusing and sad time for me with Tim, but again, this other thing that happened to me was a huge catastrophe and I was way more miserable because of that than anything that was happening with Tim at the time…
So though I did see signs that Tim wasn’t appearing to be up front with me – I think I was probably less observant of those times and maybe didn’t notice other times altogether – because I was so preoccupied with all this other shit going down in my life…
…Included but not limited to these other things taking place outside of my friendship with Tim which was mostly taking place at his workplace (where I did all my grocery shopping)…. was that (didn’t I start to say this before? :o) I basically severed several dysfunctional ties I had with certain other people – in an effort to free my mind from mental slavery – and to get away from a lot of the bad stuff that I had been dragging around with me – like some ball and chain…
It’s a long story that I have already stated that I do not wish to tell – but one thing I feel I must mention – because it is a very relevant factor (in my opinion) is that I moved out of my mother’s home and while I don’t want to elaborate on everything that developed as a result of my doing that – one thing is that:
I came to spend almost all of my free time at my office – which was a long bus ride from Tim and also one which I couldn’t afford to make every day – therefore beginning in early April 2011 – I rarely came to visit Tim anymore!
Therefore, not only was I not coming to the store very often at all by then, not staying for very long if/when I did (though because I saw Tim less and so we talked less often I maybe talked for longer than 30 seconds; whatever)…
So for anyone to accuse me of stalking an employee (aaahhhh! fuck you people!) at this late date of May 19 – when it was not only – NEVER TRUE – it wasn’t even plausible by this time!
(o:
Good fucking grief!
What is true, is that I mostly e-mailed Tim at this time – he had just written me a dumb e-mail in which he blamed his not writing very consistently on his working a second job fixing up old bikes to pay back student loans faster – plus he also talked about going to the dentist…
I was not particularly impressed by that long overdue e-mail from Tim, but I truly appreciated that he had made an effort – and bottom-line (or so I thought at the time) – Tim was apologizing (in a way) for slacking at writing – rather than saying that he didn’t want to be writing me any more… just that he had been very busy – and I always took it into consideration that Tim probably wasn’t being completely open with his girlfriend about his exchanging e-mails with me – and thus he would probably only be able to do so when he was not only, not busy, but when he had enough privacy to write me at all… Taking this effort of Tim’s as an act of kindness – this small attempt to re-establish our lapsing e-mail correspondence – still meant something special to me…
Meanwhile – I too was visiting the dentist – and on the evening of May 19 – I had had quite a couple of days even before the shit that went down that night got underway…
On Christmas Eve (12/24/10) I was harassed – not overtly sexually really, however I was groped to some extent – a drunk guy made a pass at me while I was working… I was all alone at the time that he started doing that and thinking about how to handle it both professionally and hopefully nonviolently – but most importantly also to best protect myself – when gratefully, a family walked up and scared the guy away…
That guy was however easily located and he was picked up by the police and arrested for harassment…
I was encouraged by the officers to press charges because this guy had a serious rap sheet which included pulling a gun on a cop – well once I learned all that – I realized that what had happened to me might not have been such a minor incident had that family not come to my rescue exactly when they did – and so I sort of experienced an aftershock from that...
In any case, not to purposely digress, but on May 19 – in the day time – I had my court appearance as a witness for the prosecution regarding that Christmas Eve assault…
So in this way – I was already having an especially rough day that I wanted to put behind me for that reason; I’d hoped that seeing Tim would cheer me up – it did a little, at first… but let me also back up to point out that on the day before this – on May 18 – I had gone to the dentist. I had had a tooth pulled and although I wasn’t in a tremendous amount of pain, this was mostly because I was taking painkillers for the pain – so it was less painful than it otherwise might have been etc…
Furthermore, I was a little doped up and if not for that I’d have likely been way more stressed out from my day at the courthouse (and having to think about that assault that I had sort of put behind me by then if not for its recurrence in court) … Etc and so on…
Furthermore, I was a little doped up and if not for that I’d have likely been way more stressed out from my day at the courthouse (and having to think about that assault that I had sort of put behind me by then if not for its recurrence in court) … Etc and so on…
My conversation with Tim was pretty insignificant in general except that because he was preparing to have four of his own teeth pulled (I think that’s what he said, all of his wisdom teeth) at an upcoming visit to the dentist – he expressed some interest in my quite recent experience at the dentist for the same procedure...
No big deal.
I had actually started – for a moment – to depart the store (and catch a bus elsewhere) – but then I realized I had forgotten to e-mail my son earlier (which I had meant to do from the library) but now there was not going to be enough time for me to get there and be able to do that before they closed…
…So I decided to try calling my son instead – so I could at least leave a message that court had gone fine etc…
…When I asked Tim if I could borrow his phone…
…Suddenly Tim was being weird and rather jerk-like!
Tim was always very nice to me – so for that reason alone, it didn’t make any sense to me that he should seem so disgruntled all of a sudden – but especially when just a few moments earlier he was practically imploring me with questions about my trip to the dentist and had actually asked me to tell him more about it after I had tried to be considerate and acknowledge that he probably didn’t have any interest in hearing about me going to the dentist… But then he informed me that he actually would like to hear all about my dentist visit, etc…
That’s when I had an overwhelming instinct to turn around – and that’s when I saw Tim’s girlfriend approaching – and she looked none too pleased…
Whatever: fuck that shit!
I walked away from that scene (I heard Tim say to her – How are you? – in a tone which suggested that he also sensed that she was none too pleased…) and that’s when I went in search of finding someone else, other than Tim, whom I felt I knew well enough to not feel too terribly awkward asking to borrow their phone…
(…Though I have had total strangers ask to borrow my phone, when I had one…)
Well Tim must have taken his break – because while I was searching for such people – I saw him and his girlfriend in one of the grocery aisles… Since I wasn’t following them, or looking for them, I continued my search for a phone to borrow in other parts of the store.
I found someone (…whose name I will leave out of this, but he is always very nice to me, and I think he’s a very nice guy…) who said that if I waited until 9 pm (which it almost was by this time) that I could borrow his phone – and that was my back-up plan – but I still had other people I could ask…
At one point, I asked one of the managers – Miguel… By the way, this would be the very last time that I’d ever think of this manager as being possibly nice!
...Miguel told me that he’d left his phone at home, but that I was welcome to use the store phone to which I gratefully (knowingly) replied to his offer – yet then I informed Miguel that because it was a long distance call that phone did not meet my needs at this time. I explained that of course my phone call was of importance, and therefore why I was seeking this favor, but didn’t elaborate beyond that and I walked away from him then...
At that time, I happened to be very close to where the bathrooms were and so I decided to take advantage of that and I chose to go into the bathroom… When I exited the bathroom, I began to cross the floor area around the produce section before heading back to the dining room where I had left my belongings at the table where I had been seated… But I’d first decided to try again at finding anyone else I hadn’t asked yet about using their phone – and so as I was doing this – I caught a glimpse of Tim’s girlfriend staring directly at me and she did not look friendly at all; she seemed to be deliberately glaring at me, and deliberately appearing unfriendly…
I still felt convinced that she had played some part in what happened in February with Tim and his bosses. Although Tim never mentioned her playing any part – which made me think she had manipulated the situation to avoid that accusation – whatever had or hadn’t happened that one night – I certainly didn’t doubt for a moment, my having witnessed her discussing Tim and I with his co-workers – and since she had never spoken to me personally since that occasion – but had stood right next to me at Tim’s station, on several occasions since then – I had also concluded, that she was also intentionally deceptive…
For the third time – is that about right? I would like to point out that I’d already had a very hard day!
I just wanted to call my son and then go on my way – I didn’t want to partake in any scene with anybody’s jealous girlfriend, that’s for sure. I hoped I could just walk away from her and that that would be the end of it. I felt her still looking at me as I walked away, I turned around…
Yup – she was still glaring at me. I rolled my eyes at her (fuck it if that didn’t help the situation – I’m not a coward and she was being a total bitch – in a very obvious way) – but I didn’t give her any dirty looks… I possibly imitated her dirty looks in a mocking sort of way – that’s who I am – deal with it… But mostly my look was of what the fuck ever, fuck you… it certainly wasn’t meant as any invitation for her to throw a tantrum…
…I returned to the dining room where I had left my stuff at the table where I had previously been seated and eating soup and writing in my notebook, before I had started to leave and had remembered about contacting my son…
I decided that since it was now almost 9pm anyway, that I would just wait a few more minutes and then borrow this one guy’s phone – and as I was sitting there, writing in my notebook, waiting for 9pm and minding my own business – Tim’s girlfriend came barreling in there with her shopping cart and she began a heated confrontation with me then…
I tried to ignore her and yet I also tried to calm her down (for Tim’s sake) – and I treated her like I have treated no other bully – with kind consideration – not because she deserved such tact, but because Tim’s not having this scene take place at his work was far more important to me than telling this bitch off…
Also – my friendship with Tim mattered to me and I didn’t want to be honest with his girlfriend about what a bitch she was being because I knew that would only escalate her anger – therefore I did not insult her at all, though I didn’t think she had Tim’s best interests in mind at all – she had her own agenda and this became increasingly obvious to me.
This is a big deal – that I was being so calm and polite with her – she was being a total jerk to me and it is very much out-of-character for me to let a person get away with that! – even for the short time that I allowed her to do that! – on this particular night…
Why yes, I do think that I deserve some kind of a reward for this:
(o: for my model behavior :o)
I knew right in that moment that I did not like this girl – and I was astonished that this was the girl that Tim was in a relationship with. Even before this moment had occurred, I’d never witnessed anything about her as being attractive – not physically nor in her personality – but I could hardly fairly judge her entire personal appeal from the limited times I’d crossed paths with her; I made a mental note of making that concession for Tim’s benefit – prior to this particular incident…
…What had been most striking for me – is how there seemed to be no look – whatsoever – of any glimmer of love in either of their eyes, when Tim and his girlfriend would look at each other, speak to each other or interact in general...
…I was personally unable to detect any sign of their being in love – in the way they conversed with each other – or in their body language – and I looked really hard for such a sign; it made me feel sad for Tim when I could find none…
They didn’t even seem to be a couple. If it wasn’t for what I could hear her say to him – and him say to her – I wouldn’t have even been certain that she was the girl he lived with.
[There were a couple of times, long before this – before she ever stood right next to me – when I’d arrived and she was there with him on his break etc – and I tried not to read TOO MUCH into it – but every time that this ever happened – Tim seemed to soon appear wherever I was in the store to smile at me, or wave to me, or say hi to me – or whatever…
…It was as if Tim was making sure that I was OK – OK with having just seen them together – like he knew that this probably sucked for me and because he cared how this made me feel to the extent that he did - Tim would try to show me in these small ways that he truly hoped that I was OK – that he didn’t wish to make me feel sad in that way – and that he was making an honest effort to acknowledge me in this way so that I would grasp that he cared…
Yeah, it could totally be just my imagination – but it happened consistently – and whatever Tim’s motives actually were – his doing this for me every time – did make me feel that Tim cared about me – and because it did in fact, suck for me to see them together – Tim’s checking up on me did in fact make me feel better about those incidents…]
But what really threw me was how boring – and not at all interesting – or even likeable! she seemed to me – once she got close to me, once I heard her speak…
As true as all of this is for me (my beliefs and opinions at that time) – it was more of a gut instinct than anything else, which was telling me that Tim’s girlfriend was not a nice person, possibly not even a good person at all…
...And that since February (at the latest) she fully knew who I was – and that while she was probably misjudging me and misunderstanding me – that she had some right to be upset – from her sort of way of looking at things – about my obvious interest in her boyfriend.
[P.S. Just because I look at things differently it doesn't mean I am unaware of how other people might see them instead...]...And that since February (at the latest) she fully knew who I was – and that while she was probably misjudging me and misunderstanding me – that she had some right to be upset – from her sort of way of looking at things – about my obvious interest in her boyfriend.
Therefore, as much as I did not wish to be bullied into any sort of a public confrontation whatsoever – I tried to handle that situation – to the best of my ability – from the point of view of Tim’s TRUE FRIEND who truly did not wish to cause any unnecessary friction between him and his girlfriend and especially at his workplace…
Therefore – at first, at least – everything I said was purposely slanted towards trying to assuage her of any concerns she might have that I was making moves on her boyfriend, etc…
The first thing Tim’s girlfriend said was something like this: Look, I know you have Asperger’s, but let’s get something straight – since Tim doesn’t seem to have the guts to tell you – Tim doesn’t like you! Leave him alone!
And my first reply went something like this: I don’t know what you have or haven’t been told, but there’s nothing you need to get straight with me. I know all about you and that Tim is committed to you; he and I are just friends… Maybe he hasn’t told you about that because he’s worried you won’t trust him and might break up with him – but there is no reason for you to worry about anything…
Then, without choosing my words very carefully I guess – because of how she was harassing me and being a total bully – I let it slip that I was sorry if they had a fucked-up relationship and didn’t trust each other…
I meant that in the nicest way (o:
I don’t think she took it in the nicest way though and from that moment she was just all about calling me names and accusing me of being mentally ill and yet she was simultaneously threatening to beat me up and actually thought she could order me to go outside…
Again, please keep in mind why my day was so long, sucked so much already and what I was trying to put behind me and how I was more than ever not willing to just sit there and take shit from anybody – so it cannot be overstated how much self-control I was exercising on Tim’s behalf through all of this confrontation with his girlfriend…
From that moment on for sure (if not sooner) I maybe personally no longer cared about Tim’s relationship with a girl who was this big of a jerk – but I never stopped caring for a second about Tim and how she probably did mean a lot to him – nor where we were – and how any exaggeration and/or escalation of this scene would likely be a bad thing to take place where Tim worked!
…So I continued to try and pacify his girlfriend’s angst and also to not allow myself to be baited by her…
She was twisting my words in an effort to make me look bad and she was getting increasingly louder – and yet I tried my best to not be – at all – the reason why things might get any worse if they were to get any worse.
…All I could think to do was to ignore her; so I tried to do that…
I would like to point out that I remained seated the entire time and she was hovering over me and she was yelling at me and refused to leave me alone or to go away from me.
I started drawing and writing in my notebook – pretending she wasn’t standing over me and shouting insults at me – but that just angered her even more (ha) – and that is when she said this:
“I thought I put an end to this before; I am definitely putting an end to this now – I am getting a service manager and having you trespassed from the store.”
OK – for me right there – since in a few more minutes I was trespassed from the store – is why this happened to me – and since I didn’t do anything wrong and she was the one harassing and threatening me and making various false accusations and calling me insulting names – why am I being targeted for punishment in the first place; why am I the one who was fucked over?
…Second of all – this sounded exactly like a confession to trying to cause trouble for Tim in February and what now made so much more sense of Tim's telling me back then that he didn’t want me to be 86’d or anything stupid or extreme like that – and – this makes her an even bigger fucking bitch in that moment than I had suspected her of being before that moment!
But it gets worse!
Tim’s girlfriend not only was making various false accusations against me – suddenly this whole scene which she instigated, first on the floor with trying to intimidate me by staring me down and then totally obviously she was trying to intimidate me when she hunted me down in the dining room and started that big public scene – was now according to her, also somehow my fault – ?! – no fucking way was this my fault! She tried to say that I had been the one giving her dirty looks (NOT TRUE!) but even if it were true (but it isn’t!) – it doesn’t in any way alter the provable fact that she came into the dining room – where I was seated and minding my own business – and started yelling at me and threatening me!
There were witnesses to this and I assume it was also all captured on security camera.
Furthermore, the main reason that I wasn’t defending myself better verbally – and why I refused to fight with her outside the store – was because I was trying to diffuse the situation as best as I could for Tim’s sake – and to an extent – for the sake of everyone in the store including the store itself…
I was trying to behave in the most proper way possible under the circumstances, all while I was the one being harassed and threatened and additionally as all of this is happening – seeing my special and treasured friendship with Tim go up in flames…
)o:
…Just 30 minutes earlier or so: I had seen none of this coming…
In hindsight – I feel a lot less upset about all this.
However, I am no less upset about the way it happened – or how I came to be fucked over more times since then by these people – but what is true (and this is purely in hindsight I need to stress that a lot) is that if not for this fucked-up incident – I might have never learned that Tim had been misrepresenting our friendship, nor that in backing up his claims, he had told lies about me, and allowed misperceptions about me to persist…
Finding all of that out sucks a lot – but I think it is right that I know this. I don’t think that it is better that I just am left to reel in pain and confusion and never once sought an explanation or strove to explain things from my side! That’s not better for me. Idealizing (and idolizing) Tim as someone better than he truthfully is; that doesn’t do me any good – that only makes me more likely to hold on to a belief that was never true… Yet – it doesn’t change everything about the way that I feel about Tim – I still love him even in the light of all this – however I also feel that it is better that I see him for who he really is and not who I imagined him to be.
IT REALLY SUCKS!
THIS ALL REALLY SUCKS!
If Tim hadn’t been so untruthful about me – then maybe his girlfriend would not have behaved exactly as she did – and therefore I had cut her a little slack for that, I honestly did – but once I told her the truth and/or informed her that she didn’t seem to be aware of the truth – once I did that then I have every right not to cut her any more slack for continuing to behave as she did which was really bad and only got worse each time we interacted…
…I plan to come back to this subject and to my other various suspicions which I have about Tim’s girlfriend – as well as to my subsequent speculation regarding my other suspicions regarding Tim’s girlfriend – but in case I forget to do that – let it be known now, that I strongly suspect that Tim’s girlfriend has known for quite some time about his friendship with me – not because he told her everything which is what he has tried to lead me to believe – but because she probably sniffed it out in other ways (as well as questioning Tim’s co-workers in late February) and rather than admit to Tim that she knows he is not being completely truthful in his version, pretending to believe him so that she can use it against him and make him her puppet – one which is willing to fuck me over in as many ways as necessary in order to satisfy her own selfish and negative agenda…
She may have succeeded in doing this to Tim and playing him for a fool and maybe thinking he deserves it somehow (I disagree with her thinking that because I know that he didn’t betray her in any way or whatever and that if he was untruthful it was a trust thing because we weren’t doing anything we needed to hide or be ashamed of…) – that would be between them – but she has tried very hard to make me a pawn in her ridiculous master-plan and I am stating this right now: she has failed when it comes to me.
I maybe wasn’t able to control this situation in the beginning or stop it from ever taking place – but I haven’t been taking orders from anyone and I have been playing by my own rules – and at the very least her plan not only has backfired but it has blown up in her face – yay for that.
…Maybe Tim is ultimately responsible for it backfiring on his end and blowing up in his own face – but that is not something I ever wanted to take place either…
I maybe didn’t have all the facts at all times nor did I comprehend the level of Tim’s deceit with me – when I first was trying so hard to spare him and was constantly defending him – but once I did learn so much more and now that I know so much more than I knew then – about how this all came to occur in the first place and that it is in fact Tim who is ultimately to blame for most of this chaos and my being victimized – I still stood up for him with his management throughout all of this, even when it weakened my own defense – because I never wanted him to get fired or anything stupid or extreme like that…
Furthermore: I also told Miguel the truth! However, again, I continued to defend Tim as best as I could… Keep in mind that at that time, I didn’t yet know the extent of Tim’s dishonesty nor that he had actually told lies about me – and so once again, this weakened my own defense…
…But for Miguel to react as he did – whatever he was or wasn’t told by others – even as I truthfully maintained my innocence – that was very fucked-up…
For Miguel to actually come over and try to talk to me where I was waiting outside for my bus – and tell me in that way and at that time – that I was being trespassed and that they didn’t actually need any reason – and that if I did return to the store that then the police would have to be called?! – Are you fucking kidding me? I hate you Miguel! I have an open letter to you, Miguel, which I plan on publishing soon; please hold this thought of how much I hate you for what you have done and what you have tried to do to me, until I can finish this thought…
…I was so pissed off on so many levels at that moment – how could Tim be allowing this to unfold in this way; would he try to fix it or could he seriously fathom our friendship ending in this terrible way?! That was what was really crushing me and I knew I couldn’t just let that go – of course Tim and I had unfinished business…
As for Tim’s girlfriend – OMG did she ever make things a million times worse by continuing to disparage me and to taunt me – and pretty much every time she opened her mouth to say anything to me – whether in person – or by her corrupt (and misguided and weak) attempts to pseudonymously slander me on the Internet…
But New Seasons Market – they fucked me over professionally enough alright – but also in such an unfair and unjust and UNETHICAL AND IMMORAL manner – that being who I am – of course I am going to fucking fight them back with everything I have got! DUH!
To be continued…
"YOU made this blow up new seasons; NOT ME!"
(o: fun fun fun @ a youtube promotion; pioneer square, portland july 2011 :o)
THE BIGGEST JERKS IN TOWN!
BOYCOTT NEW SEASONS MARKET! RESIST!
* * *
p.s.
something else: i am super-appreciative that i read LILA; i just finished it today...
i just want to say this about it: as awesome, brilliant, superbly written,
and as interesting as its perspective is; i personally didn't LEARN anything from it...
(o: philosophically that is; i learned a lot about boats :o)
which is not at all meant as any sort of criticism of pirsig's book (i LOVE it),
but rather a compliment to myself! i LOVE my brain!
i already have conceived of all these same concepts ...
i haven't created a special language or definition for my concepts (not yet anyhow)
but these thoughts which phaedrus has; ditto for me!
so... as i left the cup and saucer cafe today, having just read to the last line of LILA,
i had this déjà vu epiphany (which is very much like the feeling of coming full circle)
where i remember that i am in many ways, all at once: both way ahead of my time
and also a wise old soul... where culture and society are concerned...
i am super-smart!
i already knew this of course and i already understood this long ago
...like i said before; déjà vu...
but the things we must contend with every day
sometimes seem to filter out what we already know
...until we come full circle again...
i would rather be all alone on this higher cloud of knowing and understanding
...for one thing, i don't get lonely very often, as i LOVE being alone...
than have to dumb myself down to fit in with the crowd so far below me.
if this sounds egotistical i can't help it; i'm not making this point to insult anyone else...
i don't mean it in that way. what i mean is that i will not sell out to belong
belonging is only real when you get to be real, any other way is faking it
i certainly don't want to find acceptance by succumbing to stupidity!
(o: yay for my time in nyc where i learned that i can be me and still fit in just fine :o)
...i know i don't have to be alone and i know that social acceptance is not far out of my reach...
the point i guess i am wishing to make
at this particular moment on this particular day
is that i realize that most of the people i am trying to reach
in this particular moral mission of mine, may not yet be evolved highly enough
...ethically, intellectually, and/or morally...
to receive any message from anyone with a higher understanding than theirs
...i'm still proud to be making the effort...
...it is something which i have felt, and still feel, that i need to do...
pirsig says very little in his novel, that i haven't hit on in my own way,
in part one of this story i am telling, which i am continuing to clarify in part two...
pirsig has much more credibility than i have; so please read his book; maybe he can help you in a way that i can't.
i am not relinquishing responsibility (nor my struggle) to keep trying my best to do my part.
i am recommending a great book: LILA
...while also acknowledging my own astounding and profound ethical intelligence...
i am so excited about the book which i am writing; i hope i get to finish it.
it is going to be totally awesome! it is going to totally rock!
!WORD!
kristin, 10/25/11
