i wish i knew what to say that could just make a difference in your day: every picture tells a story: my picture timeline by kristin angelique

1 september 2015 update

hi! i made a new picture timeline page - it was easier to just start over - i am keeping this page for the foreseeable future - i am in the process of redirecting links to the new page:

http://kristinangelique.blogspot.com/p/this-is-me-by-kristin-angelique.html

kimberly kristin angelique

pictures of me
then and nearly now

in approximate chronological order

with my sort-of-like-a-big-brother, uncle richard

my aunt nanette (one of my dad's three sisters)

with uncle richard (and josh or lucy?)

(my grandpa George and me)

(pierre)

with my aunt Nanette

(so i think these should appear earlier/above but i'm not gonna worry about it right now)

my aunt carol (one of my dad's three sisters)

(i see more mistakes in my sequence but they's gotta wait for now)

(o: yes: this is really a lavender bathtub! - i LOVED it :o)

(o: y a y :o)

above photos: if not all, then mostly, little rock arkansas;

though we moved around the south for about 2 years or so

(we lived in a mobile home then; our mobile home with the lavender bathroom)

when i was a baby and toddler, because of my dad's job at the time...

* * *

how to be concise and say what's important is a real challenge...

in my forthcoming book - child of the moon - i will have whole chapters about this

when i was five, and living in little rock, on arch street

my parents were by then really beginning to trip out

there was a time before then that was wonderful for me but it was soon destroyed forever

i am leaving a lot out

...but...

very long story short

my parents went separate ways

also, both were in some kind of trouble with the law

there's a lot more to why that is but it's irrelevant to what i'm trying to get to

due to the chaotic circumstances in their lives at that time

and their being shitty parents

i was inadvertently abandoned with some people in austin

[where i had formerly been living with my mom and her girlfriend]

also i had been going to a "free school" named greenbriar

that was a special time for me but also short-lived

when my mother didn't return for me

and my father wasn't stepping up in place of her

the people in austin who were looking out for me

decided it was in my best interest to live with "a more stable family"

and suddenly i was just given away to a family in dallas

(the whitneys)

again i am skipping over A LOT

but after several months i was - for a time - reunited with my mother

then she, my dad's sister janice, and i drove to portland

in our red and white vw bus named dinah

anyhow i thought i would mention this stuff and also point out that during those nine traumatizing months very few pictures were taken of me and what remain of those are in storage in a keepsake box with a letter written to me by my almost forever family - who were trying to adopt me instead of just kidnapping me - that i would never see again

(not yet anyhow)

they were a very nice family and i am an only child

who for several months had siblings for the first time

a brother and two sisters all about my age (i turned 6 sometime during all this)

also this family had doves and guppies

the very best thing of all was when the grandfather - who came to visit and meet me:

he was cherokee - named me chirping sparrow.

. . . it has been a perfect fit for me all my life . . .

however - i was devastated by the long separation from my mother

and all of my entire arkansas family

when it began to sink in

that i was possibly never going to see any of them ever again:

i was really in despair. so it's a sad story...

ok on with the show

* * *

portland oregon

first grade, sunnyside elementary

. . . [our duplex/apartment @ se 37th and belmont street] . . .

i had that green/red/orange on yellow smiley-face sleeping bag (with matching carry bag)

for years... i miss it a lot it was special to me:

so yay yay yay for it being in this picture

it's my bed in the orange closet, where i slept

i think this is the door which we painted purple

(pictured down below)

this is me at a demonstration

(o: i participated in a few back in the day :o)

laurelhurst park

belmont street @ ~ se 37th avenue

duck pond at laurelhurst park

sunnyside school gym

our duplex apartment at ne 10th and going street*

we were on the street-side, my bedroom was upstairs

at the back, with a window facing the street and backyard

(you can see it in the photograph above)

* except it didn't look like this then. it had peeling mint green paint (which i remember i found charming and i was fond of its appeal) and this neighborhood in portland had yet to undergo its recent regentrification. what was a side-by-side duplex is now a restored single dwelling. ~2008-2010 i had pet-sitting clients who lived very near here in what is now portland's alberta arts district. on one of my pet-sitting occasions, i went on a walk to find my old home and took these pictures. a block away is an awesome house with wonderful trees that i remember vividly from when i was 7.

down the street from me, back then, were two brothers about my age. i smoked my very first and very last cigarette with them. i should mention i was the gang leader and i bought those cigarettes by reusing a note my mom had written me because back then you could do it that way if you sent your kid to the store. that corner store is still there up the street on alberta.

i have a lot of memories for such a short time living there (about 6 months...) before i was sent away to my dad's mother's home in little rock while my mom pretended not to be a parent again...

i was one of only 3 white kids in my immediate neighborhood. this did not faze me because this was normal for me because that's how it had been not so long ago in little rock. i didn't see color. though i was quick to notice the absence of it when we went places where it appeared that everyone was white (like say idaho, which was coming up) - but unfortunately - the black kids did see my color and i couldn't seem to interest any of them in playing with me.

(o: i tried by knocking on doors to ask if there were any kids who'd play with me :o)

...so i decided to open my own library and try to interest the neighborhood kids that way. i had about a dozen books i was going to loan out. i don't remember what happened after that but i do remember my mom not liking the idea of me telling a bunch of kids they could just come over and borrow my stuff especially when she wasn't home when i did it. i still have my hardback copy of little women and inside its cover is written "kim's library". i will admit however that i have still never read that book to its conclusion.

my mom's teenage friend, connie (i think she was 18) lived with us (my mom was probably 22 or 23 then; she is only 15.5 years older than me) and she was really nice to me. i haven't seen her very recently - but speaking of pet-sitting - i took care of her cat for about a month just 2 years ago. connie helped me out when i was 16, and a runaway, when i ended up in portland and she still lived there. her sister is/was - locally; semi-well-known - but i guess i won't say who she is specifically... for futuristic reasons (like my soon to be completed book where i change names of people for their protection) - but i am proud to have known connie's sister.

probably my very favorite memories from this home and this time are of listening to music. i was a natural born dj. my favorite 8-track - either my mom's or connie's - was honeycone's soulful tapestry - i played that a lot and i knew all the words and i loved singing and choreographing all those songs. what a great album. i also loved al green, the stylistics and marvin gaye. i LOVED let's get it on; but i honestly had no idea that i was singing about sex. i just knew that song totally grooved.

my mom had some compilation of older rock 'n' roll songs and one of those songs - my favorite among them - was "hang on sloopy". i liked it because sloopy rhymed with snoopy and because i too was "a girl who lived in a very poor part of town."

my bunny doll, whom i've had since i was 6 or 7, is named after juniper

she is a dog that stayed with my mom and i for awhile

(o: check it out: also around this time, when we lived at 10th and going st.

we took care of a friend's monkey. a monkey! it made many messes :o)

i think this is at our duplex at se 17th and clinton street

i'm more sure about it being on or near my 7th birthday

i seem to recall living at that apartment when i received these presents

these two gifts were sent to me by my dad (who now lived in denver)

it's a tom and jerry transistor radio. i named my puppet lionel.

saint francis school, portland, oregon

. . . i was in second grade here . . .

i was still attending sunnyside, but then i made a friend (masika) who went to st. francis

and it was because of her that i switched mid-year*

i had never before been taught about jesus christ let alone catholicism or christianity

so it was a very eye-opening experience for me and them

the funny thing is - that revelation came up when we were singing christmas songs

we learned "away in a manger" and i liked the song so much!

yet i found it perplexing and so i asked: who is jesus?

i LOVED my wonderful teacher: sister jo jean

* then ~january - i was sent to stay with my grandma in little rock

...for several months - it is a sad story...

but the february day i received mail from sister jo jean in portland:

that is one of my happiest memories ever

...thank you for caring about me so much, sister jo jean...

* * *

i think these are from the summer i turned 8...

i'm not sure if these are taken before i left arkansas

when my mom visited me

or right after that when we first moved to idaho

(if so, it's emmett idaho)

my mom and me

with tasha the wonder-dog

*cuddles*

tutti

(and cuddles)

...at least another thousand words...

aunt nanette's, conway arkansas

...i bounced around so much; somethings never change...

anyhow, this sequence is approximate

* * *

with eric

eric is tutti's brother; he was a great friend to me!

i LOVED eric's books! i miss hanging with you eric!

*and my doggies*

above: tasha (o: the wonder-dog :o)

below: molasses (o: also very cool :o)

leaving on a jet plane

(this picture is worth at least a thousand words...)

* * *

when i was 8 i went to denver and lived with my dad for most of 3rd grade

i went to teller, then stevens in the 3rd grade, probably this is from teller

(i had few clothes back then - and maybe it was my idea to wear this dress for another school portrait - but i also remember wearing my dad's t-shirts as dresses - i liked to do that - and my teacher being concerned about that and arranging to give me some of her kids' hand-me-downs...)

(fanshen)

* * *

then i got sent to my grandma lou's in little rock again...

i turned 9 while i was there

thank goodness for my bike

i rode it nearly every day around my neighborhood

this is me visiting with my other grandma (my mom's mother), grandma bette

this was my grandparents' house on tatum street

where i had often lived during the first 5 years of my life

(though the household composition saw many changes during that time)

* * *

. . . get me the fuck out of oklahoma . . .

my cousin amy (my very first cousin)

her dad is my uncle george (my mom's brother)

...i didn't like him on this visit - and - i've never really gotten over that awful time...

in general, everything was FUBAR then

* * *

i've just arrived in idaho, my cousin amy came for the ride

then she and her parents returned to oklahoma

yay

* * *

boise idaho

this is when i am finally reunited with my mother

for the first time after our long separation

my t-shirt: little girl of all the daughters you were born a woman not a slave

4th grade, collister school

we lived for about 2 years in a rented "farmhouse" on bloom lane

the farm itself wasn't ours (horses, cows and a burro lived there!)

but it was an awesome backyard for me and stella to play in

* stella *

she had a little star on her forehead, kind of like me

(mine was from stitches when i "broke my head open" when i was 3)

honky cat

(and i think that is a visiting dog, because tasha was murdered by police before this was taken...)

* * *

[with tutti; she was my mom's girlfriend for a few years and a great friend to me]

my sweetheart, stella

my mom and me

[i think this picture was taken on a visit to portland at connie's home]

i would stay awake late (and listen if i couldn't watch)

for mary hartman, mary hartman

i LOVED loretta haggers (mary kay place)

(o: this picture was my homage to her :o)

* * *

[a charlie brown christmas; i am in the 5th grade here]

* * *

my mom and me

i named this little piggy "massey"

my dad gave me that special silver bracelet

[i credit "the bad news bears" for my enthusiasm to play team sports (softball) that year]

* * *

party for my 11th birthday

*stella*

* * *

[i've no memory of these pictures; i'm either about to, or i just have, turned 11]

* * *

[east texas, family gathering]

l to r: my uncle, grandma, mom, me

my very first cousin, and my great-grandparents

* * *

my mom and me

me and connie

* * *

[it's my party and i'll cry if i want to...]

age 12

[are you there god? it's me kristin...]

[my friend brian convinced me that KISS weren't scary just killer]

1410 s. arcadia, boise

i attended whitney for a short while and hated it and switched to monroe

i liked the name because i loved marilyn monroe

but the best part was my new best friend that i met there

dan kennedy

but this picture is after school is out for summer (july)

and i am about to move to nampa idaho

west jr. high will make whitney seem like disneyland in comparison

* * *

i went to canada (victoria/british columbia);

i think these are from our trip there

we also went to yosemite national park near that same time...

(so maybe a little of both?)

* * *

[nampa, idaho: age 12-15]

with baby jessica, i babysat her for ~ 4 years

7th grade, west junior high

i grew like a weed between 10 and 13, but esp. at 12

* * *

standing outside west junior high

with my best friend then: cherie hernandez

(i outgrew that jacket i'd got for christmas; i gave it to cherie)

it seems that i have almost no pictures from when i was early 13

or else they are just missing somewhere

the next few that follow - i think i am 13 - but almost 14

[also it's just really blurry and therefore these are in order of my best guesswork...]

now excuse me while i f-up the sequence for a bit

nampa idaho, with buddy

* * *

[my new baby cousin joanna]

oh shit... these are out of sequence too i'm pretty sure...

when i get everything scanned (someday) i'll fix that

* * *

...on the last day of 8th grade i woke up and got myself ready for school (my mom and her girlfriend were gone on a camping trip). i felt worried for my health because it seemed like i might be having a heart attack. i got to school and the nurse didn't believe anything was wrong with me. finally the school counselor took me seriously and drove me to the hospital: my lung was by then 40% collapsed. it turns out i have a condition called spontaneous pneumothorax - your lungs fill with fluid and collapse with no warning until it's happening. my (younger) sort-of-step-brother (bruce) wrote me and told me he was sad that his "sister" might have died and that he hoped i'd come visit. it really meant a lot to me. and so i did go to denver to spend time with my "new family" - the one my dad had that is. it was a hard adjustment to make - my absent father parenting these other kids; but i loved them even if i was sad about my dad...

* * *

with my sort-of-step-sister, jeridette (jeri)

rollinsville, colorado

* * *

i decide to live for awhile with my "denver family"

and i stay with them during the first semester of 9th grade

9th grade, smiley junior high, denver

(my mom visited me in denver and took these pictures of me)

(that's my 8th grade school portrait hanging on the wall above my head)

my awesome friend bice gauberti, her house was down the street from mine

park hill, denver

[with bruce and jeri in our front yard at 2251 forest street, park hill, denver]

* * *

[back in nampa idaho]

(i know this is not flattering; its sentimental value trumps its awkwardness)

[at my mother's girlfriend's parents house on christmas]

[i think this was valentines day before a school dance. i'm 14.]

* * *

[with stella and issha]

this is either champ or buddy (sue's dogs)

if it's champ, then that picture of me with buddy (above)

is definitely out of sequence!

* * *

my granny lou took these on one of my visits to portland

(o: my beautiful hair; before i soon began defiling it :o)

* * *

[fifteen]

[i visit denver again during the summer]

with my dad

(who almost never smiles)

with bruce and jeri

(uta's cabin, rollinsville colorado)

(sometime that same summer on a visit to oregon)

* * *

(o: w o w :o)

10th grade school portrait; i actually did opt for the retake when they offered it - the retake was a little better than this (i wore the same hairstyle and "k" necklace) - but i don't have a copy available to scan right now. i HATED this picture at the time but now i think it's cute. goofy but cute. that weave on my ponytail takes lots of patience. i didn't know i was "preppy" - i just was interested in modeling and got my ideas from teen fashion magazines like seventeen.

i maybe LOOK preppy but trust me i wasn't.

if i had to choose a category (which i never make myself do) i guess i'd say that i was a "rocker"

(o: but really i was a loner and a rebel :o)

(and soon the very first punk rocker in nampa idaho, maybe even all of idaho...)

(o: my own private idaho :o)

also, i may look like a very sweet girl - i totally was - (o:

but it didn't keep me from getting in trouble all the time

or bring me very much good luck in general

it just made me a target for jerks

. . . some things never change . . .

this being a timeline: i am just a couple of months away from a series of runaway attempts

...on the 3rd try i actually succeed for months...

but before then i end up living in a group-home for delinquent youth

for about two months

(that is its own story too)

i LOOK pretty happy in my photographs; but i am in a lot of emotional distress during this time (more than usual) and i am super sad and i think everything is totally and irreversibly fucked up (FUBAR) and if i don't get the fuck out of idaho i will need to kill myself...

i can joke about it now but it was a terribly painful time for me then - pretty much all of junior high - and the idea of another 3 years (10th-12th) in high school, in nampa idaho, was just too much... so i leave in the middle of a very cold night in early january and walk all the way to highway 84 (carrying a heavy suitcase) in the snow and i hitchhike to seattle...

i wrote/published a short story about this but the whole story will take a book.

the book i am writing now leads up to it; age 15-18 is its own book - i plan on writing it if i get the chance to write another book...

...meanwhile...

* * *

thanksgiving break, on a visit to portland

with my cousins damon and Joanna

(i loved this dress)

* * *

this is at the oregon coast

with my granny lou (my father's mother)

she moved from arkansas to oregon

(sometime when i was in my early teens)

to be near her daughters

(who had all moved there earlier)

* * *

my very first modeling assignment, age 15

photography by james valluzzi

portland oregon

* * *

so i came home, in april, my mom had moved from nampa back to boise...

and soon after i arrive home "safe and sound" - my mom nearly takes us both out by speeding down a highway in the middle of nowhere idaho and flipping the car at ~80 mph...

i probably survived because i did NOT have my seatbelt on and was catapulted through the windshield over the highway, over a fence where i somersaulted before landing on my neck in a pasture... i don't know how i could have possibly survived that but i did. i had nothing broken, just lacerations on my left hand and side of my face right by my eye but missing my eye (barely).

i was injured and traumatized and had to have stitches after they removed glass particles from my skin... but if i had been trapped in the car i would not be here now. the car - a volkswagen rabbit - was completely crunched up.

my mother was eventually thrown from the tumbling car as well, after being trapped behind the steering wheel. her injuries were life-threatening and she was hospitalized for months, had many broken bones...

...WTF! i run away, survive, come back home and almost die...

(again: some things never change)

anyhow, i have my face turned so you can't really tell (you can see my hand though) but this photo was taken soon after i left the hospital. i had just gotten a haircut. it had to be cut as it had twigs and stuff from the pasture in it and at the hospital they just chopped all that out.

for a treat i chose to also have my hair colored magenta

(again)

(o: my true friend, julie :o)

* * *

then i went to stay with my dad in denver

too soon following that near-death experience

right after my 16th birthday

i had an even graver tragedy occur in my life

two guys i knew, they were older, like 19 or 20 or more by then

they tricked me into driving out of town - to the mountains - for a "party"

where supposedly some of our friends would also be

there probably never was any party

and their real plan was to rape me

and when i didn't go along with their plan

they maybe decided then to also try and kill me

it was the scariest experience i had ever had

i am strong and smart;

i managed to prevent the unthinkable for hours

though for hours i was terrorized with the fear that this was going to happen

then - in what to me - will always be a miracle

but also a real-life reason to never give up even when it is really awful

an angel - an elderly woman - suddenly appeared

and she came to my rescue

the police helped me next

they also found these creeps very quickly and arrested them

they later plead guilty to some lesser charge but they did go to jail

i've never been the same since; but surviving stuff like this

it gets you through a lot

it's like: if i survived that i can survive anything

(sadly though it also damaged my ability to really ever trust anyone)

after this happened to me

i had to leave denver; i just couldn't stay there after that

so i ran away again; i went back to portland

i lived on my own - for the most part - for the next ~4 months

[it's so weird to state it like that - it honestly seemed like a year - at least]

i also enrolled myself at lincoln high school in the fall

[well my grandmother came with me but i prompted it]

where i attended 11th grade briefly

...i read ken kesey's "sometimes a great notion"...

next door to the school's field, was "anarchy house"

i spent my breaks/lunchtime there

i had a friend named skunk who first took me there

there were some older punks who lived there: "grown-ups"

and this is where i first listened to records by older punk bands

like the germs - this is when i first heard the germs

"i could do this too!" i thought.

(o: and the rest is history :o)

all before moving back to idaho in late october

(where i also had my own apartment; a wonderful vintage one)

and attending boise high school

(when i felt like it)

and writing some really heavy, really deep poetry

...about the street-kids i'd met; the epiphanies i'd had...

i swear that "sixteen" felt like a decade to me

* * *

my very first punk show

and it was a w e s o m e

* * *

sixteen

(back in portland)

(portland oregon)

* * *

(having returned to idaho)

my cool vintage apartment in boise's historical district

my apartment is upstairs on the right

i attended boise high school for a while

that's my mother's awesome car

hendrix-the-bear, me (kristin) and chrissy

*my apartment*

...yay for this picture because i lost that poster behind hendrix's head.

that poster is from the play for *the lion the witch and the wardrobe*

which i performed in that year in boise. i only had a small part as a water nymph but i had speaking lines.

i had my magenta hair for that performance which seemed to please everyone a lot. my costume was gorgeous and sparkly: i was a beautiful vision. i wish i had pictures from that...

[i can tell now that the next pictures probably should appear before these - but even though my haircolor changes these were all taken around the same time (all in december) when i was sixteen...]

* * *

nampa, idaho

santa and me, boise

* * *

in an earlier picture - where i am about 12 - i am holding baby jessica.

her parents were friends of my mom and sue's.

i often babysat jessica during those years that i lived in nampa idaho.

i think that this is christmas eve-ish - taken earlier in the evening than the next picture...

me and my friend greg

(and my raggedy ann)

deja vu christmas party, boise idaho

oh, i am remembering as i post this here - that i previously posted another picture from this night (with my raggedy ann) - it probably appears not too far below. as i have more than once mentioned: the chronology here is not exactly perfect - someday - i'll try to organize these better... but not today!

chrissy, amy and me (kristin)

deja vu, boise, new year's eve

* * *

hallway of our house in nampa

(o: any similarity to kim wilde is not a mere coincidence :o)

* * *

(portland oregon christmastime visit)

(my granny lou's sweetheart, sissy)

(o: my granny lou wrote that :o)

* * *

with friends outside deja vu (dance club) in boise

(o: i love my idea of raggedy ann as fashion; pinned to my clothing :o)

11/17/13: i found another picture from this night; i hope to add it soon

(3/21/14: i added it above - these are all age 16 - but the sequence needs some tweaking...)

(o: i guess these are the same - so what :o)

(both of the above pictures were with my girlfriend, chrissy, or was it chrissie, ha...)

me and my super cool friend, tue

(tue was an exchange student from denmark)

(o: this polaroid has held up pretty well considering its use in an old art project :o)

* * *

i did it! and i was just 16!

* * *

with bruce and jeri, stapleton airport in denver

on my way to visit family in arkansas and texas

(with my dad, also at the airport, and ditto)

with my mom at my grandparents' house, batesville arkansas

with my great grandfather, dewey james

cave city arkansas

(o: i love this picture. that's my grandma bette :o)

(o: this is redbird :o)

at our "family farm" in east texas

(farmland near cushing)

my cousin nelda, me, a cat and cool wallpaper

east texas

* * *

seventeen

(the sequencing here is very blurry - i zigzagged between idaho colorado texas...)

my cousins becky, nelda and me

. . .

another summer in denver

with bruce, chris, jeri and marcus

me and jeri

(o: i thought of her as a rockstar even then :o)

with bibi mcgill

my buddy hendrix

he is a "himalayan sloth bear"

when i was 16 (almost 17)

i won my first marilyn monroe look-alike contest; i even got to ride in a parade

* * *

(back in boise idaho)

(o: why yes; this is me and timothy leary :o)

with friends on halloween

at the post office

for many years, my mom lived with her girlfriend, sue. this is sue's grandmother.

her name was marie dominic and she was wonderful.

* * *

(and back to denver again for about 6 months...)

(o: i wish i had audio of a drum roll here :o)

my awesome awesome awesome very first skateboard

powell peralta, mike mcgill

independent trucks

kryptonics

siver paint so shiny and new

i still ride this board: it's with me right now in fact

it's not quite so shiny and it's definitely not new

it is possibly the most loved, cherished skateboard in the world

amazingly, many of the stickers have survived

(o: i of course have also added a lot more since then :o)

* * *

eighteen candles

[my extra wonderful special friend heidi baked me this cake]

* * *

(o: jeri and me :o)

* * *

(so, very soon after my 18th birthday: i learned i was going to have a baby...)

* * *

with my neighborhood friend randy kahn

my denver family

* * *

and then i moved to portland oregon once more

my mom moved from boise and me from denver, together to portland

[and ever since then, i've now lived here for most of my life (thus far)]

and we lived together first on se salmon st. (pictured below)

then we moved to a bigger house, really close to mt. tabor

on se 54th between hawthorne and lincoln

i've lived in se portland for so many years now

but after my daughter is born

i soon move into an apartment on se taylor by the hawthorne safeway

with just me and my baby

then - i get so incredibly super lucky - and thanks to my friend ivan's mom,

i am given an opportunity to score a just renovated vintage apartment

a really cool one - at se 39th and belmont - and i had very low rent

it was so helpful to me as a young single mom

who was just getting started on growing up

* * *

christmas in seattle with my cousins

joanna, autumn and damon

* * *

front porch of our mt. tabor duplex

(2014 se 54th?) between hawthorne and lincoln

* * *

happy birthday annika!

* * *

my dad (and annika's grandfather), baby annika and me

the above photography sessions were at mt. tabor park

we have been going on walks there and just for fun

for many years now

* * *

(o: my mom took these; fyi :o)

* * *

(o: i drew that pink floyd poster; diy forever :o)

it's even cooler in color

(o: i wish i had a color photograph of it; i have the window in color :o)

* * *

annika and me

rollinsville colorado

so this was clearly taken sometime after the circle jerks played at the satyricon

oh how cute annika is and that soft stripey pj is a special gift from heidi

(o: yes: i did cut my own hair and i didn't do very well; i get better :o)

* * *

on another visit to colorado

. . . at a park, but i forget for sure which one . . .

with annika, at uta's cabin, rollinsville colorado

heidi took these pictures of us and yay for her doing that

* * *

autumn, annika, damon, me, joanna on easter

* * *

all by myself: i organized an all day animal rights rally at waterfront park

lots of punk bands played

i was trying to raise awareness and attendance was free

(o: the news folks came :o)

anyhow: yay for me

* * *

(o: my sweet friend ivan french took these pictures :o)

this is a picture that i took of ivan and annika:

. . . i miss you ivan - you were such a great friend - peace . . .

* * *

pete hines, parris mayhew - me - doug holland

backstage at the cro-mags show, pine street theatre, portland

you can see some awesome pictures i took of the cro-mags at this show

visit my fanzine page (the link to my index page with links to nearly everyting at my fanzine is near the top - at the right side of this page:- or it should be there.. you can also google autumn shade fanzine and cro-mags or me and them too probably - but you also might end up back here if you do it that way)

(o: the cro-mags and i hung out together the next day too :o)

and they got to meet annika

with doug holland and harley flanagan

john took this picture

with harley (o: we were fast friends :o) and john joseph

doug took this picture

* * *

on a visit to arkansas, my great aunt pat's farm

with my cousin michael and my daughter annika

* * *

...i was so excited to turn 21 i got my ID a few days early (i didn't know better)

(o: my button says: i'm so happy i could shit :o)

my boyfriend justin took this picture of me and this pony

. . . i love it . . .

we were on an "adventurous picnic"

these were taken in the backyard/parking lot area

of my apartment building at se 39th and belmont

my buddy: scott cullen

we made music together too, back in the day

we have stayed friends for always

i love you scott!

i'm pretty sure that scott took these pictures

* * *

annika and i visited my family in denver

this is me getting ready to go to an unforgettable show in boulder

to see my friends' band happy world play in a basement (on the cu campus)

with brave new world and pilsbury hardcore

you can see the set lists for brave new world and pilsbury hc

at my punk rock archives page and LOTS of happy world stuff too

such a sweet sister! i love you jeridette!

* * *

pine street theatre

deanna took these pictures

* * *

this is me at the pine street theatre in portland

singing with crotch rocket

justin and scott (and when i came along) and me are friends

scott and i co-wrote "red balloon" me: lyrics and scott: the music

(though everybody in the band came up with their own parts of course)

(you can hear the performance of this song at youtube; there is a link at my music page)

justin sat out while i sang this song; he's standing next to me in the soundcheck picture

we opened for verbal abuse - from san francisco - but they played without nicky sicky (sp?)

that was disappointing because i - i don't know why exactly - but i was a fan of sick pleasure, his former band

i loved the split lp with code of honor - jonathin christ sang for code of honor (awesome band)

jonathin and i became friends and corresponded for a short while...

anyhow i never got to meet nicky - maybe it's a good thing - but i really wanted to!

(o: and i digress . . . but not as much as i could have :o)

i'm leaving a lot out about this show; it also was one of my earliest music event productions

the happy world show at the echo theater back in the day

that was my very first show as a music promoter

(o: peace :o)

* * *

se 39th avenue and belmont

it's different on this side of the street now

(this was across from my apartment building: 804 se 39th)

that side is much the same

(the albertsons - across belmont - is now a walgreens i guess)

(o: i skated that parking lot a lot back then :o)

back then on this side of the street: the west side

was a winchell's donuts which stayed open late and opened early

(o: this was awesome for me :o)

and a tiny bar that i didn't ever go to that i can remember

i just took a lot of pictures in or near its parking lot; like these ones

i also took the ones on somebody's motorcycle (pictured below)

yay that i didn't get caught posing for these motorcycle pictures

(o: though i was very careful with their bike :o)

* * *

kate nolan was the music editor of playboy (at the time i knew her - when i was 17 - and she was for many years. i guess i don't know what she is up to now) and she is a wonderful woman who landed me my first journalism job - (o: music research on diy punk rock and local scenes :o) when i was 17.

(i was paid $100 and christine hefner signed my paycheck; i still have a photocopy).

[i'm 21 in this picture but this will all soon be related]

kate also made it possible for me to pose for playboy - but in the end i decided against it - i needed to wait until my 18th birthday... ...and by then i opted to be the girl who turned down this opportunity rather than the one who took it. i was very poor (i still am too) so it was very tempting to accept money for something others have seen for free. i wasn't opposed to posing nude - i just felt too young and as a feminist-activist since age 5 i felt i'd be going against a lot of stuff whch i was still working out in my head but was already feeling strongly for myself: thoughts such as woman's depiction as masturbation material possibly working against my equality...

( i am not in any way against masturbation; i'm all for it - i even think there should be more of it and taht there'd surely be fewer unwanted pregnancies and divorces etc)

...and it especially was unsettling for me whan the depictions were of really young girls like me then. i'm not singly-blaming playboy magazine - i've looked at a lot of them myself - when i was too young to know they existed in my hindsighted opinion - and at a younger age i thought it must be the cat's meow to pose for playboy because that is what society and my gay mother and my subscribing father etc - taught me.

it's a real curiosity in many ways for me that i didn't pursue that opportunity.

but i truly gave it a lot of thought... i was worried that if it could be proved as a contributing factor towards hindering our equality with men and other fucked-up and pervasive societal issues beyond that... i didn't want to be a part of the problem.

also, as a victim of several attempted sex crimes already by then - at the age of 17 - i felt in my heart that i couldn't do it under some of those circumstances and worried that sexual objectification of women had contributed to that...

it was a lot to ponder and i decided not to go that way.

i don't know what might have been. i do know that after i changed my mind - and soon after my 18th birthday - i accidentally let a boy i was going out with for a few weeks get me pregnant. he is out of my life now and he pretty much always had been (though we got together later and had a second child) but even though the circumstances were imperfect and i was totally not planning on being a parent until i was at least 30 - as soon as i knew i was a mommy - and i felt like i was right away; i swear i just knew - i was super happy and i still think having my baby was the best decision i ever made.

i don't know about not pursuing more opportunities with playboy being a mistake

or not; but i say it probably worked out as it should have.

(o: ...it's hard not to digress... ;o)

kate and i remained correspondents for awhile and she tried to let me know about acting opportunities (i've been an actor since age 10) - and - what almost might of been still makes me almost as happy as if it had really come true.

kate knew susan seidelman (who was super hot after releasing her film with madonna: desperately seeking susan) and susan was considering making a film about the shangri-las. as far as i know - the film has never happened - and i guess i'm not young enough to play any of the teen singing group now if it should happen - but it was an exciting time thinking it might happen and it prompted me to kickstart my acting career all by myself.

within a few years i was a filmmaker and soon made my own feature film about marilyn monroe: star light star bright...

so: that's the set up for my shangri-las t-shirt (pictured above)

(o: kate sent me this shirt as a present :o)

kate nolan is one of the most tremendously awesome women i have ever had the pleasure of knowing.

...i must remember to say that i have been singing along to and choreographing shangri-las songs - and pretending to be mary weiss - since i was like 7 years old; so it was pretty cosmic too when this - nearly was - opportunity seemingly just blew into my path...

i love celestine prophecy moments like this.

destiny; manifesting...

* * *

video still from my documentary-short: animal liberation now!

(o: this is a little early in this sequence but it's a good fit here symmetrically speaking :o)

* * *

(o: in the beginning :o)

* * *

this is such a great picture i think - i have kept it sort of hidden away because i feel sad about leather jackets even though they sometimes look cool... this was my friend deanna's jacket that her dad had made for her by his friend who runs the business langlitz leathers on se division street which has made awesome jackets like this one for years. this jacket has a blue collar - it looked awesome on me - and i would have special ordered one myself if they made them vegan.

...perchance to dream...

[any of my own leather-looking jackets in other pictures - or leopard prints obviously - are all of course totally fake]

these pictures were taken either inside my apartment or outside in the courtyard (laurelhurst apartments when they were remodeled and had just reopened and i got lucky) - at se 39th and belmont (me and this intersection... for the longest time...) in portland

deanna took a lot of thsee pictures of me (above and below)

* * *

my very new awesome skateboard

john gibson / alva

(and deanna's unlit cigarette; because cigarettes will kill you)

* * *

i like this as a black and white picture too

almost all my b/w pictures featured here were b/w film;

but with color film and photo editing nowadays you can choose either which is so cool.

* * *

(o: pittock mansion: black and white film :o)

PHOTO CREDIT: DR. ALBERT ELLSWORTH

(before he recreated himself as Babette...)

(o: i received a whole college credit for this day :o)

* * *

one of my very favorite pictures

this was taken in downtown portland on our way to see a movie

photo credit: deanna barnard

* * *

annika and me with judy, my once-upon-a-time step-mother

* * *

happy birthday christopher robin!

* * *

i made a music video: romeo and juliet (dire straits)

it was (mostly) filmed at the portland white house

(a bed and breakfast inn)

(o: they were so kind for letting me do this :o)

* * *

(the house that used to be)

* * *

"To Kristin, safe passages in Neons and Waltzes, Nanci Griffith"

neons and waltzes is a song nanci wrote about marilyn monroe

(o: y a y: this makes my heart super happy :o)

* * *

i'm super lucky to be friends with stanley jordan

* * *

these are from my - angel - music video

(o: as in the song angel, by jimi hendrix :o)

(o: it was a specially-made video for stanley jordan :o)

(o: which was made with "screen-test" video for my soon-to-be-forthcoming film :o)

(o: more than once stanley played his amazing and specially for me totally extended angel versions :o)

* * *

the following series of photographs are from the filming of

my HOUSE MADE OF HEARTS music video

(o: for the r.e.m. song: near wild heaven :o)

* * *

(o: oh except these are from my music video for the flowers of guatemala :o)

(o: which is a reinterpretation of fantasia :o)

* * *

these are *house made of hearts* again

* * *

this is not from a video - this is just a day of fun

enchanted forest, oregon

* * *

i miss our house at se 38th and stephens

just a hop skip and jump from hawthorne

...alas it too was put up for sale and me still a renter...

* * *

this is alaska, she was visiting us

we'd just moved into a house we loved

on the corner of se tibbetts, down the street from franklin high school

(3031 se 53rd)

we lived here for a few years until its owners sold it

many interior sequences were filmed here

for my film: star light star bright

including my bedroom - all these posters - everything - had to be kept out-of-sight

(o: it was no small task :o)

(o: my autographed picture of tim armstrong :o)

(o: it says: kristin, good luck with da movie :o)

(o: i paid a little tribute to this photograph in my film :o)

(o: tim also drew me a smiley face with a mohawk :o)

(o: there is a lot to look at - but the gameboard - next to the basketball :o)

(o: that is from an old scooby doo mystery game i had since i was 8 :o)

(o: yes - that is donny osmond on that magazine shelf :o)

(o: my first crush - age 7 up :o)

(o: i drew/made those jimmies flyers :o)

* * *

* star light star bright *

(part one)

* * *

this is one of the few acting jobs i ever had which resulted in a paycheck

i was hired to promote the new animated snow white film: happily ever after

by dressing in this princess dress - just like the one in the movie (pretty close) - and passing out coloring sheets to children

at the convention center in portland - for a special event: baby you and grandparents too

* * *

(o: i learned to drum by listening to agent orange's living in darkness lp :o)

i was taking care of these drums for my friend

who rocked my world when he asked me

if i would be willing to do this: YEAH!

* * *

music video stills: wish you were here (pink floyd)

* * *

* star light star bright *

(part two)

* * *

* star light star bright *

(part three)

* * *

filming just for fun in my mom's former backyard on se lafayette

* * *

beverly hills hotel

(o: i went to los angeles to film on location for star light star bright :o)

(o: i also personally delivered the jimmies press kit to epitaph records :o)

* * *

(o: i was assistant manager at a candy shop :o)

pioneer square, portland

...with christopher robin, judy took this picture...

* * *

(o: mike dirnt drew elvis on my green day shirt :o)

* * *

christopher robin and i: so much fun!

ZOO BOO

oregon zoo, portland

christopher robin and me, cedar hill texas

* * *

these pictures are from one of the mostest specialest nights of my whole life

this evening marked the occasion of the "southwest premiere"

of my film, star light star bright.

it was featured as part of a monthly showcase: all about art

at the historic lakewood theatre in dallas texas

there was a special write-up - with my picture - center page - in the movie section of that week's met (a local weekly) and that was so awesome for me too - but it also inspired a lot of people to show up to see my movie. people lined up to say hi to me and congratulate me after my film finished. it was a surreal experience. i really felt like an official actor and filmmaker.

. . . and the happiest girl in the whole u.s.a. . . .

(o: yay :o)

* * *

me and "thursday"

because i found her on a thursday

this is outside my grandma bette's house from a time when she had this house

in cedar hill, texas (which is sort of metro dallas - 40 miles away by freeway)

* * *

rhett miller and me, denver

i had met rhett first in dallas

i was lucky enough to attend the old 97's

fight songs record release show

at the barley house

* john doe was a surprise guest *

it was so much fun

and then when i visited denver later that month of may 1999

soon after that dallas show

the old 97's showed up to play there at the bluebird

(o: yay :o)

and it also just so happened

that about two months after the denver show

old 97's played both athens and atlanta ga

while i was on a trip to athens (my third trip there in 3 years)

and so i also went to see them in atlanta too of course

me and rhett miller in atlanta

old 97's show, smith's olde bar

HEATWAVE

i had to cut my hair; i couldn't stand it being so hot

* * *

the denver premiere of my film star light star bright

at the bug theater in the navajo arts district

* * *

[another bedroom: 2409 se 51st #1 - my division street townhouse]

* * *

this is me - with my songwriting hero - ryan adams

(o: fuck yeah :o)

photo taken after the show, in the alley

behind the gothic theatre

circa 2001

november 11 maybe?

ryan had just performed on saturday night live the night before

(i remember hoping this concert in colorado wouldn't be postponed)

i took awesome pictures of ryan's soundcheck that night

obviously i could confirm the exact date

- but, um, not right now, screw it...

(o: this night was super special for me :o)

p e a c e !

* * *

[my bedroom @ 1012 30th street, curtis park, denver]

(o: this was my friend from next door; he liked coming to visit me :o)

(o: that's tyler near the door - he was my dad's dog - and my sweet friend :o)

(o: the book on my futon - lost highway - is wonderful; i highly recommend it :o)

* * *

following my dreams

new year's eve, nyc

12/31/03

i know i look goofy in these pictures - but omg! - it's me with sean lennon and vincent gallo

what an awesome night: i also met yoko ono!

(o: nyc i love you :o)

* * *

this was taken circa march 2004 - portland was planning to allow gay marriages for the first time.

..this was a huge victory for human rights...

this is me, with karen and cynthia - friends of me and my family - who were among the first

to get their marriage license on this historic day...

unfortunately a lot of homophobic people freaked out and the law was reversed but i have hopes for marriage equality to prevail,

and thankxs to several other states since then - and now our neighbors in washington - it shouldn't be long

before oregon and other states follow suit and do the right thing...

* * *

april 2004

me and julian casablancas: yay

seattle and portland

* * *

me and fabrizio moretti

* * *

the raveonettes are super cool!

seattle

(o: i am holding my skateboard :o)

(o: and you can't tell, but i'm also wearing my awesome powerpuff girls backpack :o)

me and albert hammond jr

(i'm still waiting to finish our interview someday; we did start one - in nyc)

portland

* * *

adam green, me, kimya dawson

(o: rachel trachtenburg took this picture :o)

nyc

lol: this is an attempted picture of me and jonathan, my nephew

i think our friend danny is supposed to be in this photo too - we goofed up

i love this picture of me riding the subway

me and my powell peralta mike mcgill skateboard

...nyc is so fun to skate! i was so in my element...

danny paccione took this picture

danny and me

riverdale, the bronx

summer 2004

(o: we both have on ramones t-shirts :o)

* * *

top: adam green and me - brent took this picture

above: brent cole and me - adam took this picture

sidewalk cafe, nyc

[these aren't very photogenic images of us but even so - they make my heart super happy - this night was super special]

* * *

me and one of my favoritest songwriters: hayden

nyc

* * *

yay: i have a picture of me at art land in brooklyn

(o: and the awesome john dydo took this picture :o)

* * *

adam green and me

backstage at the moldy peaches reunion show

the hook, brooklyn, tommy eisner took this picture

october 2004

* * *

squirrels! squirrels! squirrels!

my first advertised performance

september 16, 2005 - iww hall, portland

* * *

...it hasn't been forever - but it's been way too long - since i had all my stuff out of storage and in one place...

i have been collecting lots of stuff - and somehow so far i have managed to take care of it all - since i was a kid.

this was my totally awesome - HUGE - upstairs living space: my bedroom and office

(and my own private bathroom and 3 closets)

in the beautiful, big, mt. tabor house - where i resided

in exchange for providing ~20 hours a week of childcare. i was so lucky.

i also got so incredibly much creative work done during this time - i am super grateful for this experience.

anyhow - these pictures represent me because this is all my favorite stuff collected over my lifetime

(o: and i think i am a good arranger of displayed things :o)

* * *

(o: this is when adara and i met for the first time :o)

* * *

adara and me at her parents' wedding

adara and me: yay

i love her so much!

* * *

this was my apartment in oregon city circa 2008/2009. adara visited me often.

we had so much fun playing with my toys! i will always cherish these memories in particular;

maybe the most of all my many special adara memories thus far... they are all super special!

adara and one of my special monkey dolls: toby

i've saved my barbie collection for a long time;

some things from when i was just 8 years old.

i think i've had those nancy drew books since i was about 9...

i take really good care of my favorite stuff!

(o: i am so glad i saved that QUISP cereal box :o)

adara and hendrix (o: and my autographed ben kweller poster :o)

* * *

family gathering, july 2009

* * *

...this is where i worked - overlooking the willamette river and valley - for a few years...

these pictures probably were taken in 2009

* * *

(o: christopher robin took these 2 pictures :o)

* * *

and this little sweetheart is darling alesana

yay for you alesana!

this picture was taken at her sister adara's birthday party

* * *

(o: s c o r e :o)

justin bieber set list

rose garden, portland

july 14 2010

* * *

(o: wow - this is so long ago - you should see my farm now :o)

me and juniper, july 2010

* * *

my friend shane - me - and my long long long time friend: the legendary jerry A.

the last show ever at the satyricon

october 31 2010

. . . a few days later . . .

* * *

these photos are from inside the tower where i worked,

circa december 2010

* * *

i bet nobody saw this coming: make my day punks!

i love youtube for this especially

and

i love you universe

* s e r e n d i p i t y *

july 2011

* * *

~april to december 2011, i didn't have housing of my own and i had a dire need not to stay any longer where i was living (that's me being super concise!) - i did have enough income to keep renting my office in lake oswego - i call it an office because it was one, in an office building and everything - but for me it was more like a creative space/clubhouse up until i moved out of my former (unhappy) home - then my office became my homebase and i spent a lot of my time there. ok - so that's enough info i hope to set up the story of these pictures... these pictures represent where i went almost every morning and afternoon and evening and even more often every night - to walk and stretch my body and my mind - and to gaze up at the open sky of stars and my friend the moon - (this is where i would go to talk to the moon most nights) - and to just listen: listen to the river and the breeze and the stars and the moon and its light which guided my steps... i was also trying to cope with at least - while unable to overcome - having had my heart filled with so much love for someone who then unkindly broke it in places - and i was beginning to hopefully heal from that... i wrote some of my book on these walks - in my head and/or stopping to make notes - or spending an hour or more on a park bench... i came up with melodies for my music here. i gratefully encountered a coyote one moonlit night.. i found a lot of feathers... i became extra-skilled at protectively making my way down the paths so as not to disturb the snails, slugs and worms... i drew pictures here. i skated the kincaid curlicue corridor to my heart's contentment. i cried a lot here and i laughed and i smiled. i loved with all my heart and soul here. i searched for answers here. i remained faithful and kind and true here. i hoped and prayed and wished here - for good things to happen - for good things to be... i thought about my amazing life - past present future - and if that weren't all enough - i was introduced to the special life and profoundly inspiring poetics of william stafford - and - his poetry sang my heart to a higher ground...

* thank you universe *