i wish i knew what to say
that could just make a difference in your day
that would make you want to stay
. . .
(my name is . . .)
i am a lesser known character
forgotten
i try to forget
i wait
maybe there is no way out
maybe one small voice doesn't count
except my dreams give me hope
i wish that i could fly
. . .
that's me in a wonderful dream
and that's me crying myself to sleep
again
here is another secret for me to keep
just me
with only imaginations to believe in
i had a dream and you were in it
i was so surprised to see you
you loved me and i was so happy
but then i woke up
i miss you so much
but nobody wants me
all i see in this mirror is the anguish of a lonely child
the ghost in me that tries to hide behind her smile
i walk down the streets
searching for something
i don't know what it is
but i will know it when i find it
because everything will be better somehow
loneliness
like a sign on my back: "please someone save me"
anything is possible
promises
lit up in neon above me
the next teardrop
falls
flows
into the gutter
hollywood
like a mirage
my dream vanishes
and all the colors wash away
it is only a paper moon
and i am a paper doll
playing make-believe
it's just so much easier
to be the looking-glass girl
it's more perfect in a snow-dome world
i don't want to think about it
all those times
keep it hidden
keep pretending
i have told everyone i have ever met
sad stories that i regret
when all i want is to forget
if only i could have kept it all sewn-up tight
it might be easier for me to hide the sight
of my guts spilling out
...and out come the wolves
gathering for the feast...
run your hand slowly down my skin
like sliding across a satin sheet
softly touch my hair
kiss my neck
tell me you love me
and that you really care
will you be the one to take me there
i've dreamed so long
of the place that true lovers sail away to
i want so much to know how it is to feel that way
so fuck me baby like you really mean it
and hold me against you all night long
i'll give you candy heart kisses
i'll melt you just like ice cream
but that was just a dream
when i wake up you'll be gone
no matter how hard i try
to be convincing
there is no secret identity
that can conceal me
in every glimpse at my reflection
she stares back with her glass eyes
"i never lived. i was never loved..."
carved into my gravestone always haunting me
that's me alone on an empty playground
that's me waving goodbye again
that's me with my suitcase packed
that's me with nothing
that's me wishing for a wonderful world
a door with a sign it says: "this way out"
that's me with my skirt up
holding onto my hat
and that's me with my defenses down
like a mouse getting pounced by a cat
that's me up on the pedestal
and that's me down on my knees
that's me parked in a dark alley
in the backseat of some car and
nobody hears me
scream
i can hate you and smash your face with my fists
pick up the broken glass and slash my wrists
i can dig my grave
and bury myself in the pain
i can tie myself to the tracks and wait for the train
i really want some attention
well whatever nevermind
. . .
i feel so lonesome
surrounded by fame
shallow people dropping names
every night the scene is the same
i sit in a corner
alone in a crowd
there's no reason for me to be here now
i am a pretty ornament
stuck on for decoration
just a last minute thought
cast in this stupid production
i watch as people so big turn so small
saying the very same things they've said before
practiced script and plastic smile
boring me to death
i'm sick of it
this party is over and all that is left is a great big mess
there i am waiting for the countdown
choking on my vomit
F I R E
F I R E
my life is burning down
what should i take with me
an object of desire
a token of affection
a photographic memory
you are my idol
i've got all your pictures on my walls
i named my dream after you
i carved your name in my heart
i want to be just like you
you are my hero
i want to be an angel
i want to die in perfect style
why should i go on with this
who wrote this script
haven't i seen this somewhere before
this playhouse
this whorehouse
i don't want any more
i don't want anymore
the scene is set
close the door
i am a puppet
their voices and their expectations
are shoved up inside of me
paints, props, plastic flowers
locked inside wooden boxes
i don't want to be a toy doll
i want to shut my eyes
take these strings off of me
let me out of this fantasy
everyone has come to see you
to see you conform
to their expectations
so when it is time
for you to perform
don't you forget it
that's me in the corner
that's me in the spotlight
that's me all alone
making wishes for my dreams to come true
star light
star bright
pour the glue and sprinkle some glitter
close your eyes and make a wish come true
wish for it with all your heart with all your might
you can have it but
how much will you regret it
when it really happens
how will you be able to forget it
(all i have is a hope and a dream)
i can wish the world away
and not feel anything
that is me dreaming of my place in the sun
that's me you are leaving telling me it has been so much fun
that's me with your promises and that's me with your lies
that's me with nothing left to believe in
. . .
...i believed i was a queen
but now in hindsight i have seen
i was only a pawn...
you promised me the world on a silver tray
but you don't even know the right way to spell my name
don't call me
baby
you jerk
i am not some stupid doll
don't you come another step closer
don't touch me at all
here is another mystery
here are some clues
another night of being used
another day i stand accused
another night and your short fuse
another morning to make up an excuse
i am ok
it is only a bruise
oh you are so pretty
baby
you are the prettiest girl i know
you are so pretty baby
BUT
what do you know
a toy balloon
disappearing in the sky
there's nothing
that you can do about it now
so why even try
. . .
that is me looking through the branches of the trees
at the sun coloring the sky
over the mountains above the valley
and i feel so alive
this is my epiphany
i cannot live up to this legacy
i have nothing else to prove
i don't owe you anything
i don't need to be forgiven
i never told anyone
i never breathed a word
every happiness i pretended
was one more smile i faked
every chance i take
is one more mistake
i want to destroy this stage
i want to get so far away
i think i'll just stay in bed all day
sleeping is the best way i know
to not think about this
to forget about this
though amnesia would be so much better
thinking nothing
feeling nothing
this empty room suits me fine
i hide away here in the dark
but i can still hear the birds singing
so optimistically
outside in the sunshine
i think i can remember
a time
when that used to mean something
to me
wave your wand
and pull me
out of your top hat
one little star
lost
in the galaxy
have you come to rescue me
to resurrect my life
and beat the shit out of everyone
who ever tried to crucify me
. . .
see the disillusionment crystallize
see the falling
stars
shining
from my eyes
a tear for every creep i ever knew
for every trauma i have suffered through
for every violation every degradation
and everything i had to lose
for all my mistakes
and all my regrets
and all the humiliations
that i've tried so hard to forget
for all the rage that i kept buried
and for the life i have bled
one hundred thousand reasons i believed i had for living
one hundred thousand reasons why sometimes i wish i was dead
it's one more night in the land of dreams
but tomorrow is another day
gee maybe
my luck will change
. . .
...just one more thing before you go
just one more thing i thought you should know...
star light star bright: a poem by kimberly kristin angelique
all rights reserved
